Post

Hey, this isn’t going to be easy to write, but I truly believe it’s important to talk openly about mental health and the times when we’re struggling, just as we share our happy moments and success stories. So, over the past 2–3 years it has become increasingly difficult for me to paint or draw.

It’s something that’s been slowly progressing over the years. Lately, even sitting down in front of a paper feels almost impossible. It’s like the part of me that has always made me want to draw and paint, since I was a child, has slowly faded away, and I don't know how to bring it back.

I often think about the Nothing from The Never Ending Story. That’s what it feels like sometimes, as if I can’t feel anything anymore and nothing really matters to me. And somewhere along the way, the spark that once made me want to create art just disappeared.

Shortly after the covid lockdown, my grandparents’ health began to decline rapidly. Until they eventually passed away, I helped my mother take care of them. Our entire lives revolved around looking after them and organizing our schedules to make sure they were never alone.

I’ve also spent the past few years dealing with a family member struggling with severe mental health issues and addiction, who has repeatedly threatened me for money and tried to break into my house. After years of trying to help, I finally set boundaries, but things have only gotten worse since.

I’m already a very anxious person, but I think not feeling safe in my own home has only made things worse. A lot of times, when I come back from a convention, I just sit in my car because I don’t want to go home. I have to force myself to drive back.

On top of that, constant issues with manufacturers have left me feeling really burned out from producing merch. I’m tired of the quality of my products being affected by things outside my control, even when I’ve spent a ton of money. But I love creating merch, but it's getting harder everyday.

And that’s another thing: I’m making more money than ever, I could never have imagined earning this much when I started, yet somehow I've less and less money. Everything is getting more expensive, everything breaks and costs a fortune to fix, new fees, rising shipping costs... It just never ends.

And I haven’t mentioned the legal battle I had with the Spanish tax authorities, which eventually led me to take them to court. In the end, the court ruled in my favor but for years they kept demanding a huge amount of money from me, adding even more stress to everything I was already dealing with.

I once read that you need to be in the right headspace to create art, and I feel like I haven’t been there for a very, very long time. I don’t know how to find my way back. Sometimes, I wish I could at least feel angry or sad about everything I’ve lost, but I just feel nothing.

This has been frustrating me for a long time, but after months of reflecting on everything that’s happened over the past few years, I think I’m finally starting to understand what’s happening to me and why. I’m slowly finding my way back to myself, changed but still passionate about creating.

I also wanted to write this as a way of apologizing for the times I haven’t replied to your messages or comments, or have let you down in some way. I’m truly sorry. I know I haven’t always handled things the way I should have, but I just didn’t have the energy to do things differently.

It’s even taken me weeks to write this. Sometimes, when people talk about me, they say they admire my perseverance. But honestly, it's a lie. I’m exhausted, I don’t feel like I can deal with anything anymore. Never trust everything you see on social media. It’s not the full picture of our lives.

Anyway, thank you for supporting me over the years, even when I’ve barely been able to create any art lately. I hope that, in the future, I can share more beautiful pieces and silly little animals with you to brighten your days. Thank you all for everything 😊💜