Alistair Barrie

55 year old man in inability to tell the time shocker:

Didn't the clocks used to go back on a Saturday night or have I gone completely fucking mad?

If you were ‘divided’ by this ad, it’s pretty clear you either fell on the ‘functioning human being’ side or the ‘so utterly reprehensible you actually need to be permanently incarcerated for your own good and the safety of your extended family’ side.

Marks & Spencer’s in service stations. I’m all about the big picture.

My parents effectively sent me away to school for seven years for someone else to educate me. My kids’ school emails me, on average, about seven times a day. Any chance of striking a balance somewhere in between?

This feels very bloody harsh on even Partridge or Partridge.

Now give Belgium the assurances (and courage) it needs to release the frozen Russian funds. There’s more than one war on. Pick a f**king side. 🇪🇺

Eat your heart out Gregg Wallace.

Sooner or later (like ‘yesterday’) the internet in general & Social Media in particular will need very careful, intelligent & stringent regulation. Society will demand it. Big Tech will fight like hell. It might be a good idea for politicians to be on the right side of history for once.

Anyone who thinks comedians take the piss clearly hasn’t tried to sell a car recently.

I feel it is my patriotic duty to use my modest platform to share this rather excellent paragraph from Mr @roberthutton.co.uk:

Well that’s about the state of things in a single sentence:

Just completed life:

HSTikkyTokky defends Andrew Tate

Trying to do that once you're already looking at D+11 polling on the day of the big rally 2½ weeks before the election is incredibly stupid & short-sighted, but we are talking about the man who blew $60 billion on a virtual universe where no one wears pants

Well I suppose they got the diaper right. 🤔

What I know about economics you could write on a postage stamp, but hasn’t everyone and their dog known this for about eighteen months?

Garlic cleaner on the Isle of Wight Garlic Farm aged 16. Surrounded by fast-fingered urchins working at a much speedier rate. We were paid by the box. I managed two. At the end of my only day I made £6.

Might as well be wearing this...

Just walking through a McDonalds car park and a couple driving past threw their rubbish out the window, and then started joyfully yelling abuse when I gave them my best Paddington hard stare. And people wonder why guns are illegal in this country. 🙄

HE. IS. A. RUSSIAN. ASSET. FFS MAGA. Which bit don’t you get? You should cross out the ‘America’ on your hats and replace it with 🇷🇺. I’ll get the crayons.

Fantasy sequence: 1. Republicans lose catastrophically at midterms. 2. Trump impeached. 3. Trump found guilty as Reps cut their losses. 4. Vance enters White House as lame duck for half a term. 5. Vance loses catastrophically in 2028. 6. Vague normality/decency. A man can dream, can’t he? 🤷‍♂️

I work in biochemical genetics and I have bad news for you regarding some of our laboratories' logos.

Pretty sure this means 'stand against' as in 'lend support to'.

Trump claiming his 'energy ceasefire' has collapsed is like me saying my pancake has deflated.

I mean, forget the actual recipient and the insanity of all that. It's self-evidently preposterous before we even get there. It's a football organisation. It's like The Womens' Institute giving out a prize for Physics or NASA judging Crufts.

The Trump ‘Administration’: Promoting gangsterism, corruption and incompetence to a level so low that the concept of quantum depth plumbing is now appropriate for measuring just how despicable it is.

I am right about Celebrity Traitors even if it is quite lonely in here.

Given the polls, but more likely, given his behaviour in literally every facet of his life, character & absence of soul, the idea Trump WON'T cheat in the midterms is the fanciful one. Does America have any concept of how much power they've given to a man so pathologically unsuited to wielding it?

What is it about the A1 that makes people feel so goddamn sexy???

I’m not saying Reform has much in the way of wisdom, but I do wonder why they keep on wheeling out this man who appears to be cosplaying Nigel Farage in his Dulwich schooldays, wearing his older brother’s uniform whilst staring at anyone disagreeing with him like a rabbit stares at car headlights.

The fact all these businesses can harvest huge profits from sales in countries but not pay tax on them is a huge scandal. But probably not as much of a scandal as how much of the cost they will pass on to their customers if and when that loophole is quite rightly closed.

Former World Fibbing Champion and Russia Report Refusenik adds International Pearl Clutching Title to his resumé:

Make a war film rubbish Where Eagles Are

Trump seems to regard ceasefires in much the same way as Steve Ovett and Sebastian Coe regarded World records in the early eighties.

Honestly, what is the world coming to when you can’t trust a billionaire Russian oligarch former football team owner with close ties to the Kremlin?

Holy shit. Up against some truly world class competition, The Telegraph has just come up with its worst EVER headline. TL:DR - No. But *please* click.

The hollowest laugh is the idea Trump possesses the merest trace of ‘discretion’.

Now 70% sold out - BOOK NOW TO AVOID CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT

If no one has said ‘Baa Baa Fett’ yet this site is broken.

Radical comedy notion. If billionaires are making more billions from publishing your comedy…

The US is now simultaneously buying oil from Russia whilst sanctioning countries that do the same. A global embarrassment.

If this isn’t impeachment territory I don’t know what is.

The only thing more stupid than using the phrase ‘This is a big and important announcement’ in an announcement is believing it is any way a good announcement.

I’m blaming the thermostat. Nothing to do with me - I still haven’t put the bedroom fan back in the loft.

FFS. Got two parking tickets yesterday while taking a friend to the Royal Marsden in Chelsea for cancer treatment, despite a Blue Badge. Went on a Parking forum to see if anyone thought I could appeal. I have now responded to 'I don't go into *Khanistan* much these days' & await Rupert's reply. 🙄

May just have discovered the most offensive apostrophe in existence: