Headlines & Punchlines

If Washington D.C. ran on renewable energy, it would be powered entirely by lies and archived clips contradicting current statements. #exhausted #Politics

Wow, what a backbone. Stand aside, civil rights leaders—Sundar Pichai just risked it all by boldly refusing to reorganize the planet's oceans. A masterclass in corporate diplomacy. 🙄

$1.8B is VERY real money. • WH Ballroom & East Wing: $927M • Qatar Jet Upgrades: $400M • Kennedy Center Overhaul: $285M • The trump Arch: $100M • National Garden of American Heroes: $40M • WH Helipad: $40M • New TV Ads: $20M • Reflecting Pool: $19M • Gilding Statues: $5.1M • Rose Garden: $1.9M

(A) He’s not “giving” anyone $99 dollars. It’s OUR money. Taxpayer money. (B) What happened to the $2000 Tariff Rebate checks? (C) What happened to the $5000 DOGE Dividend checks?

According to Bloomberg, trump has made more stock trades than all of Congress COMBINED. trump or his money managers made nearly 28,700 trades btwn the time of his second inauguration and the end of June 2026. During that same period, Capitol Hill lawmakers reported about 22,200 transactions.

Here’s the $12,000 you will NEVER see: $2k tariff rebate - killed by basic economics $5k DOGE dividend - evaporated with the hype $5k midterm payoff - a carrot dangling entirely on your vote Don't spend it all in one imaginary place! 🤡 #TrumpDividend #DOGE #trump #TheEconomy

Just so we're clear on the administration's 2026 glossary: ❌ Re-routing global energy sectors & risking American lives = "Small potatoes." 🥔 Trump's hurt feelings on any given Tuesday = A national emergency. 🚨

“she is “doing a very, very good job” and is “very highly respected” - trump talking about Venezuela’s interim president, Delcy Rodríguez 9/2/26 Meanwhile on planet Earth: a survey, conducted last month and cited by the WSJ, found Rodríguez has a 90% disapproval rating. trump will lie abt anything

trump Foreign Policy Cycle Sun: Great Iran deal coming tease. Mon: Moving smoothly. Tue: TACO Tuesday, deal’s off. Wed: We already won the war. Thu: It’s not a "war." Fri: Iran crying for a new deal. Sat: Golfing. Doesn’t care about Iran anymore. Sun: Repeat. #Iran #War #trump

War? It’s not a war. - This is like like when I tell my doctor I don't drink 'beer,' I just enjoy 'fermented barley smoothies.'

War with Iran by the numbers - The September 2nd Edition The U.S. has been at war with Iran for 6 months Social media trackers & news outlets report that trump has declared the U.S. has won or defeated Iran more than 106 times (with total victory or "destroyed" claims reaching up to 201 instances)

An absolute gift to us all. #rip

Collins is the cat that stands at the door meowing desperately to be let out. You get up, open the door, hold it open while she sniffs the air & acts torn about whether she wants to go out or not. Then, after making you freeze for 5 mins, she turns around & walks back into the house.

The Canadian trade war is a distraction from the Iran war, which was a distraction from the economy, which was a distraction from tariff policy, which was a distraction from DOGE, which was a distraction from ICE deportations, which was a distraction from the Epstein files.

It’s like selling your furniture and kitchen appliances to pay down your mortgage. Your debt-to-income ratio looks fantastic, but you’re microwaving Hot Pockets on the floor.

Approval Comparison: Mark Carney (Canada): 61% trump (U.S.): 33% * Carney is pulling majority support, while trump is barely polling at a clearance-rack discount

Rep. Tom Kean Jr. has time to fundraise, but no time to respond to a debate request. Still wondering whether he’ll return the $54,000 he earned from the 116 days he missed work. You know, because he voted against mandatory paid sick leave for Americans.

“Let me tell you, we won. In the first hour it was over” - trump on 3/11/26 talking about war with Iran during a rally in Hebron, Kentucky

Think back to the World Cup final. That’s the last time Melania was seen in public.

During a SC debate last night, interim Senator Darline Graham (Lindsey’s sister) was asked about Taiwan and replied, “I’m just gonna be honest—I’m not that informed on national security.” Forget the Senate, she’s angling for a trump cabinet position.

Alaska making things more interesting than a traffic jam caused by a nap-taking muskox

Putting aside trump’s dedication to the delusion, repetition isn’t a form of peer review

Between explosive diarrhea lettuce and salmonella eggs, weekend brunch has officially become a high-stakes survival game.

Anyone know if Kalshi is taking bets on whether the Washington reflecting pool or the Strait of Hormuz opens first.

Truth Social Facts: It spends $140 for every $1 dollar it brings in. The summer has seen sharp, double-digit drops in monthly visitors. Shares of DJT have collapsed 77% from their previous highs.

Sometimes ideology is just what you call Plan B after a humiliating failure Plan A

trump’s White House Renovation Projects Are Closing In on $1 Billion.

One sentence, 3 total lies. trump during a stop w/ reporters at Joint Base Andrews last night: ”More people are working right now in the United States than ever before, and prices are dropping fast. Iran is going fine. It’s going just absolutely fine. We totally control the Strait of Hormuz.“

If you bet the Pillow Guy would lose the Minnesota election, refuse to concede, AND claim it was rigged, you cleaned up.

Imagine being the Secret Service agent whose job is to say: “Sir, we need you to get into the catering truck.” And then realizing this is somehow the least embarrassing part of your day.

This! ⬇️

Happy Hormuz Monday, everyone! Time once again for Iran to be “very close” to a deal that apparently exists somewhere just beyond the horizon. #IranianNegotiationGroundhogDay #trump #iran #politics

Next month, when the numbers are inevitably weird again, I assume he'll tell us the economy is booming, but the data is just currently stuck behind a slow-moving tractor in Nebraska

If that’s the look he was going for, he nailed it!

This from the guy who just yesterday told us the Melania movie is a box-office smash and that the U.S. is somehow draining 'billions of barrels' of oil out of Venezuela.

The phrase ‘latest grift’ suggests we’re all expected to keep a running spreadsheet. Impossible.

Government by executive order. Economics by subscription model.

What Mark said ⤵️

Imagine being so corrupt and so disliked that even FIFA doesn’t want you.

Well, it’s Sunday evening, and we’re once again being told that a deal with Iran is imminent. At this point, the market opening bell must get its own briefing.

Rand Paul’s mother secretly calls into his virtual town hall.

So much winning

Missed more than 140 congressional votes, but had perfect attendance when it came time to taking care of his portfolio.

It’s amazing how often ‘public service’ and ‘private opportunity’ seem to share a calendar.

1991 - Silence of the Lambs swept the Oscars, Nirvana made their major-label debut with Nevermind and Tim Berners-Lee released the first-ever web page to the public. 1991 was also the final year of a severe nationwide measles epidemic in the U.S. - until now. Thanks RFK Jr!

On Tuesday, July 21, 2026, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told reporters "we do have the outbreak under control.” It’s almost as if he isn’t qualified to be Health and Human Services Secretary

Well it’s Friday again. Time for the trump disappearing act, followed by a Sunday reappearance with freshly covered hand bruises and another announcement about Iran begging for a deal that’s perfectly timed for Monday morning Wall Street trading.

The most reliable stage of every controversy: the hindsight tour.

#PinkyHerman 😂😂😂

Tell us you don’t know the difference between a ”primary” and “general” election in just two ALL-CAPS sentences

They’re not asking for a faithful adaptation. They’re asking for an adaptation that matches a book they’ve never read and don’t understand.