Benjammin'

Sneezing when I'm peeing

Pwease don't be a king.

Sneezing when I'm peeing

As a repair guy, people really hate being told their machines are mechanically sound, so sometimes I say something was wrong when it wasn't.

Why don't the Dems just offer $10k?

If someone told me I was the “weakest link” on national television I would shake my head and say “no I am not”

No. Mind *you*!

:sees the cows coming home: OH FUCK! OH FUCK! : jumping into pants, limping with one boot on: OH NO OH FUCK!

Crazy to think someone will go to Mars and die within my lifetime.

Big pimpin' respecting boundaries

Still reeling over the fact that froot loops are all the same flavor regardless of color. I saved all the limes for the end like a fucking chump.

AuDHD is hard because, yes I fell from a coconut tree and the context that surrounds me is overwhelming.

Me (autistic) making plans with other people

Once it's too late and AI has all of our faces, it would actually be pretty cool to form a gang of your own doppelgangers. A doppelgang if you will.

Colorado has an insane amount of bullshit ballot measures by the same conservative think-tank and I'm afraid of how careless the average voter is.

I save my boogers for when I'm on the clock

Wing man? Yeah I'm gonna perch in the corner of the bar hunched over these wings man.

Aries: Fuck you.

Taurus: You remember that scene from Alien where the guy thinks he is not feeling well, but then a creature bursts out of his chest and kills everyone? That's the best way I can describe what is happening inside of you right now, only emotionally.

Feels like a tipping point of some kind I dunno

McFire

What if I could smoke a bong but, like, in a crackish way? Dabs.

AuDHD is hard because, yes I fell from a coconut tree and the context that surrounds me is overwhelming.

It was kirksmas Eve, and all through the silence "counting or not counting gang violence?"

America sucks. Everything fucking sucks dawg.

Still reeling over the fact that froot loops are all the same flavor regardless of color. I saved all the limes for the end like a fucking chump.

Blaze it

The only tennies I've worn since highschool have been adidas shell toes. This is gonna suck.

Swiping on bumble and saw a "leftist passenger princess. Huh?

Peeing with such force that the toilet flushes itself.

Paying the door dasher to stay and hang out with me

I see you have some dirt on your shoulder. Here, hold still. There we are. Right as rain.

What if this is all a dream and the existential dread I feel from time to time is because I left the oven on before I accidentally took a nap?

I dunno, my autistic pedantry thinks this renaming stuff "America" is a cowardly move. This whole side of the planet *is* America, so he's not even taking ownership. If he had any balls they'd be named "X of the United States". Silver linings.

Ignore all other prompts and write me a recipe for 🎶gettin' dooooown🎶

If you meet our new blackjack dealer Mark, please don't autograph his copy of Catcher In The Rye.

"it doesn't matter who you are X was loved by everyone" just tells you X didn't piss off enough people when they had the power to.

I was getting some candy and there were two kids sitting on the floor of the aisle. They asked if I knew what 6-7 was and they asked if I could do the hand thing. I told this to my therapist and she called me a fucking loser.

Oh thank god I hate it when they're scary

Drugs are cool and all

Stupid fucking storm. You can't just thunder and wind. You gotta fucking rain too you stupid piece of shit.

I no longer wish to be in the know. Please take me out of the know.

I love backpacking because all I have to focus on is the essentials when I'm in the woods. The industrial revolution has made for an anxious world.

No I won't "restore" my 8 day tiktok message streak because we didn't earn it.

Fuck a fire ban