Shitpost Malone

Call me a vape the way I’d be getting sucked on rn if I wasn’t so dead

Me seeing a dog bark at his reflection: oh that’s cute, he thinks it’s another dog Me hearing my voice in a recording: who the fuck is that

I bet an unfinished task hate to see me not coming

starting to think it’s not Jesus who keeps giving me these hardest battles 🤔

Guys, I’ll have to explain later but do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES give a mouse a cookie

Something about seeing RFK Jr. makes me want beef jerky

Gooning is to masturbation as making love is to having sex

THEY don’t want you to think for yourself THEY don’t want you to FIND Waldo THEY are HIDING Carmen Sandiego THEY want you complacent THEY want you to “twist it” and “pull it” and “bop-it” THEY want you to do what “Simon” ordains

damn girl, you fine as hell 🥵 you got a substack??

Me on the company Slack channel when everyone starts telling me my memes are “inappropriate” and “morally reprehensible”

I ain’t transphobic but MtF is the worst part of week

The Republican Party is a big tent. Y’know. Like the circus. So there’s room for all the clowns.

jokes on you Vivek, I grew up watching Smart Guy

this is a dril tweet

If you choke a man out, and he loses consciousness, and you CONTINUE to keep choking him, you are intentionally killing him. This shouldn’t be controversial. It’s the equivalent of smothering someone in their sleep.

Bad times ahead 😔

But in real life

I can’t listen to a single word that comes out of RFK’s mouth Not because I disagree with him But because my AI noise cancelling software recognizes his voice as “someone sawing wood”

cant talk nw in court 4 a🧂and 🔋

It’s really fucked up that George Soros and Klaus Schwab are conspiring to pay all the women in my area to ignore me

Country? You mean emo-horsegirl-core?

“I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE” *continues to take it*

you guys don’t understand, Elon Musk won’t be able to take humanity to Mars as long as DnD is woke

My Japanese Teacher: “Your progress is really good, it shows you’ve been practicing. But you need to stop referring to yourself as the Dragon of Dojima”

Anybody who says there’s gonna be a sex strike never read Lysistrata

British people aren’t allowed to be on this site because of the name and I think that’s great and really important for healthy discourse #bluesky

Blue players will never get to see the glorious kingdom of heaven.

Thinking back to the time when my ex thought the musician’s name was McJagger

guys will literally just comment “omg he’s literally me” on a video of a sad raccoon instead of getting therapy

i’m so good at being interested in what’s none of my concern i even won the gold meddle

them: PUT YOUR FOOT ON THE GAS me: *takes foot off the liquid and puts it on the solid* i’m sorry i don’t know how to drive

they call me johnny slim hands because they’re being mean and they know that i wish my hands were fatter

“…You see the multi-colored hues flashing from within the cabin… the unsettling, muffled melody of Carmelldansen fill the woods… you know what must be done”

Scientists created the classification distinction of “greater” and “lesser” apes just to be racist towards the modest Gibbon These bigoted charlatans in labcoats need to be defunded

telling me that I’m the source of all my problems counts as a hate crime

babe are you okay? you’ve barely released your inhibitions and felt the rain on your skin

me, riding passenger in a nascar race: “i think we’re going in circles, are we lost?”

Yeah, I’m A.I. Autistic, innit