Boredwalk

Don't pay attention to those influencers trying to convince you it's important to have perfect skin, trendy outfits, and a thigh gap. All you really need is a glare that turns men to stone, a book of hexes, and the fealty of a terrifying familiar.

I love fall, the changing leaves, the cooler weather, the dead rising from their graves to feast on the flesh of the teens who were foolish enough to go drinking in the cemetery after hours.

Women only want one thing, and it's the power to cast men who tell us to smile right into a pit of giant venomous serpents.

Be the horrifying retribution-obsessed demoness you needed when you were younger.

There is no rule that says you can't be a captivating forest pixie and an intimidating ancient hell goddess. Hecate had three forms. You needn't commit to just one.

Be patient. The grim reaper will get them eventually.

Ever have one of those days when everything seems to be going wrong, except it's your whole life?

Him: nice ass, it would look better in my lap Me: nice teeth, they'd look better in a box under my bed

Normalize taking up sorcery at 40. Normalize falling in love with the wraith haunting your decaying countryside manor at 50. Normalize mastering astral projection and becoming a demi-god in the spirit realm at 60. Life doesn't stop at 25.

Me: the world is an increasingly horrible place Him: yeah, but every generation has said that Me: and they were all correct

Me: maybe it would be nice to get out a little. Me after getting out a little: I am never leaving the house again.

"DoN't LeT tHiNgs BoTHer YOU SO mUcH!" Wow! Why didn't I think of that? What a revelation!

Take up space. Godzilla would never shrink to make men comfortable. Make them flee in terror when they see you coming. Refuse to yield, be a menace.

The world is your oyster - raw, overpriced, and likely to make you sick.

Yeah, I'm into PSL season: poltergeists, shapeshifters, and lycanthropes!

That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight, trying to figure out what the unexpected item is in the bagging area.

Him: you'd be so much prettier if you smiled Medusa: you'd be so much less annoying as a statue

Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes that reason is because the universe has it out for you.

Interviewer: tell us about a recent accomplishment you're proud of. Me: I made it the whole week only screaming on the inside.

Them: You know what you should try? Practicing gratitude! What are you thankful for right now? Me: The inevitable certainty of death.

I was not born to work, retire, and die. I was born to brood, wear a lot of black, and eventually become a feared poltergeist.

Everything being the absolute worst at all times is exhausting.

Who's ready for Forest Pixie Fall? We're collecting shiny rocks to spruce up our ringforts, splashing through moonlit puddles, and luring hunters so deep into the woods that they'll never find their way back.

It's the weekend! Kick back! Relax! Disappear into a chrysalis! Emerge as a new and terrifying being who can fold the fabric of space and time! You deserve it!

"Being positive is the key to happiness." Weird, I would've thought it was financial security, health, and a society that's not slowly ambling towards an apocalypse, but your explanation makes sense too.

Practice self care like a Venus Fly Trap. Stay hydrated and destroy whatever invades your personal space.

Life can be difficult, but if you work hard, practice kindness, and maintain a good attitude shit will still go horribly wrong and you'll die anyway.

No, I'm not fine, I'm a centuries old witch cut off from my rightful powers and trapped in a fragile human form.

Surveillance from above but it's crow familiars menacing ill-behaved men

Am I capable of learning from fucking up? Yes. Am I capable of fucking up in entirely new ways with alarming frequency? Also yes.

Fuck teaching girls how to square dance in PE, teach them how to punch a creep so hard he swallows his own teeth.

Unpopular opinion: the best thing young people can do early in their careers is study the dark arts, compel a demon to do their work, and get ahead by conveniently being the only one who knows how to rid the office of the poltergeist they actually summoned in the first place.

Practice self care like a ghost; show up and disappear when it suits you and terrify unwelcome visitors.

Stop saying "if you're not happy single, you won't be happy in a forest as an ominous supernatural presence." There is only one thing that will make me happy and it's haunting the woods!

It's okay to take a break. It's okay if you need to rest. Cthulhu has been in a death-like slumber for eons and he's still a legendary cosmic horror. Take that nap if you need it-your cult can wait!

If you could have one of these free for life, which would you choose: - faithful henchman - enchanted library - terrifying familiar - powerful coven - army of demons to do your bidding

Some people are architects of their own misfortune, but not me. I'm the engineer, project manager, carpenter, electrician, plumber, and welder of my misfortune. I am extremely hands on with my downfall.

In case no one told you today: Your teeth look sharp. Your visage terrifies men. The crown of femurs atop your head is dazzling.

Be the hellbent feminist she-devil his Republican parents warned him about.😈

Like a croissant I too am delicious yet messy and not very good for anyone.

I talk a lot of shit for a person who needs to ask strangers to get down the cereal from the high shelf at the supermarket.

Very elite for cats to get compliments on their primordial pouches while the rest of us get detox teas marketed to us about ours.

Maybe your day isn't going well, but at least you're not being blackmailed into making a monstrous creature to provide companionship to the monster you already created who murdered your brother and framed the nanny.

Blood may be thicker than water, but liquid concrete is a far better option for trapping your rivals.

Not an inner child, but an inner maelstrom. Raging, implacable, and hungry for vengeance.

Do something that makes you feel alive. Go for a dip in the sea. Terrify bystanders as you come ashore. Rampage through a city breathing fire and stomping on architecture that displeases you. Carpe diem, baby!

People often ask if it's too late in life to do something. Annie Wilkes didn't kidnap her fave author until middle age. Godzilla was millions of years old when he reached fame. Lucifer was eons old when he rebelled against his overbearing father. It's never too late for anything!

Society's like “have a career, get married, have kids," but my shadow self is like "have an occult library, get a reputation as a powerful sorceress the townsfolk avoid, have an army of giant fire-breathing serpents do your bidding."

Raising kids: - requires a lot of money - takes 18 years - exhausting Raising a demigod from the netherworld: - requires an occult ritual - takes 18 minutes (give or take, depends on how up on ancient Sumerian you are) - thrilling

I refuse to age gracefully, I am going to age like one of those fairytale witches, only growing more powerful and notorious each year.