Carpe Denim

That Irish song about counting to 5 can go fuck

We need a new deep-cutting insult thats not an outright slur but can make you rethink your entire life the way being called a 'poser' used to send people spiraling

Toni Collette deserves an Oscar ten times over and if you disagree, I'm taking the kids to my sister's for a while...

Texas lesbian barmitzvah down there at the cracker barrel iffin' you care bout that sorta thing

This election is gonna be the final nail in the coffin for some folks ever seeing their grandkids again

Pack it in, folks, this guy I went to high school with just unleashed the hottest fucking take of all /s

I just remembered that an old neighbor used to wet the bed and his brothers called him "Chris Piss" which is, unfortunately for him, hilarious

You're laughing?? Roku city is under attack again and you're guffawing like a school girl?!

My very existence is an act of rebellion against the void.

She was rare, like a screen door on a castle

Lighting this bonfire with a Bic lighter to show the hoes how resourceful I am

Commenting "I'm in this exact same situation" with zero follow-up on every advice thread

Did you know the words in books disappear when you're not looking at them?

I would not hesitate to go into hyper sleep for the foreseeable future, if anyone knows a guy

Who is the Liam Gallagher of bluesky?

Work, Diva! 💅

Personally, I feel that highlights look more natural than a fully bleached anus

The priest has asked me to stop shouting “unsubscribe” at the end of Mass

SCRIB DOOOON 🗣️🗣️

Colin Squirth

I'm just gonna type some bullshit and hope it takes off or whatever

My only regret is that my body remembers the stories I've told it to forget

If I ever become the "buying spice rub at the hardware store" guy, make sure to put on Yellowstone for me to fall asleep in my recliner

Tampons should come with lil comics like bazooka Joe gum

We out here, intermittently

Couple's costume idea: Luigi Mangione and that piece of shit who had it coming

How have we not bullied cybertruck owners out of existence?

If you're rooting for anyone for other than Mustard in the condiment races, I'm sorry, but you're just on the wrong side of herstory

Its called the solid milk parts separated from liquid whey, maybe you've curd of it.

I successfully cyberbullied a local bar into deleting an AI post and I will be riding that high into the new year

The Beach Boys could have used a scary spice-type

Whooping Cough Goldberg

You either die a hero, or live long enough to be the cringe guy who comments "have a wonderful day!" under thirst traps of girls 20 years your junior

Ashton Kushing's syndrome

Malaria Trump

I'm unknowingly inhaling pollutants of which your grandparents could never conceive

I'm having a Full English hippy speedball

A haunted house where they just roast your entire outfit/vibe 🔥

Accidentally said "get stretched" instead of "big stretch" to my dog this morning and he's been really aloof since

You're telling me the rabbit's name was Buster?! Get real.

Bertram & Ernest ...aaand post.