ceej

I am never logging off

baseball is a fucked-up sport

baseball players should be allowed to take steroids but ONLY for extra innings

when not on the field, they make baseball players stand in a little hole. so as to remind them that we are all of us destined for a grave

I, for one, am proud that my president is an ass man

STATS NERD TAILORING HIS FORMULA TO COVER THE SPREAD: The dew point at ground level isn’t conducive to deep sinkers. Pitchers are disadvantaged when throwing north PITCHER WITH THE CLUBHOUSE NICKNAME “BIG WHITEY”: if I don’t shit before the game I bet I could huck this straight through a guy’s head

they added the new notifications tab that looks like a toddler’s potty training sticker chart because they could feel us getting too mentally stable

burning weeks of hard-won goodwill with my two-year-old because I did bath the wrong way

dammit, I lost the Penitent’s Thumb. left it lying around here somewhere but it must have crawled off. I tried luring it back the usual way by playing Ave Maria backwards but it must be trapped under the laundry or something. maybe gumming up the roomba

damn that’s fuckin racist

thinking about stealing fire from the gods. a hot take

I will never forget the day my parents took us to the Cheesecake Factory. The awe we felt when they ushered us past the velvet rope to our table, bedecked with cheesecakes of every description. The respect they showed us, despite our dirty coal miner’s fingers, despite not knowing how to use a fork

need the B-52s to cover “Ghostbusters” so I can stop doing it around the house

going to thailand for illegal arm-lengthening surgery so I can pick up the screws I drop while standing at the top of a ladder

nothing scarier than gravestone decorations on halloween. oooo these guys were given a proper burialllll

"crunchwrap." perfect name. the "cellar door" of fast food items

is being conservative the new “punk rock”? of course not you fuckin dip shit

stupid. our enemies will simply breed their own dogs so sexy they render our warhounds absolutely frantic with lust. dragging red rockets the size of a costco yam

Bustin’ makes you feel good? Sure, but it’s also highly addictive. If you or someone you know is experimenting with bustin’, help is available. Bust safely

I love my big leaky president. I love that various fluids and secretions are escaping his body. I can’t wait until we next get to see his wet leaky gunk dripping from his holes and orifices

I don't think you could tell an unwrapped mummy from a regular zombie. I just don't

computers are now battlefields

if you hack my website you’re in trouble

ME: What do you guys want to do this weekend? We could get a group table at that new Thai joint, maybe catch a movie? COUPLE WHO IS TOO CLOSE TOGETHER IN HEIGHT: We were thinking maybe we should go hiking

ain’t I a stinker, your honor

not stoked that my neighbor started coming with me to work. he usually doesn’t roam that far. he’s getting bolder, almost a year to the day since they wheeled his body out of the unit next door. flies in his eyes. he’s not just knocking on the walls anymore. he’s following me into the elevator

you can double jump again after touching a solid surface because flat is full of jump juice

fuck it, we’re renaming texas to Bighat. why not

I’m playing Control: Resonant right now and every five minutes I’m stumbling into some crazy shit I’ve never seen before in my life. Seems like there’s a lot of life left in the (base!) PS5 so the PS6 better deliver crazy shit every 2.5 minutes to justify the price

HOMEOWNER: My house is haunted by a ghost dog! We don’t have any pets, but my husband and I have both woken up to the feeling of a dog jumping onto our bed. I’ve even felt the dog licking my hand at night. We think it’s a golden retriever! GHOST WITH A SERIES OF COMPLICATED FETISHES: oh thank god

rare non-shitpost from your pal ceej: if you self-host plex you’re gonna wanna update asap. crypto miner malware started hitting installs yesterday, it got me and I’m usually pretty up on this stuff