🔫 climp

Wonderbread might be a miracle to you, but to me it’s just superbread

Computer: rotate egg

Establishing base camp at the bottom of my stairs

Taunting you by jumping in and out of a protected wetland

God this temple has so many steps. Can't you just sacrifice me here

You should be able to pare skin off your feet with a box cutter

can you please stop introducing me as "embattled"

[Kiosk outside my office where you pay for conversation topics and bring in a little ticket] “The weather,” huh? Money that tight?

chin nodding at another white guy. sup

No one farts with their armpit as a joke no more

apple spider vinegar

I don’t mean to criticize your cooking but these feathers are, for the most part, raw

[Interviewer] It says here that in your last role you managed a team that was “Most Reviled.” [Me, nervously] Well I guess it’s more accurate to say that I was trusted with some manager-type responsibilities

Ready or not, let me know!

Just a little “pupdate” for ya: I’m dog-gone tired of all these penalty notices from the IRS!

I’m afraid I haven’t been completely honest with you. My real name isn’t Bug Eggs at all. That's the name of the man whose life and accomplishments I stole.

AI generated active shooter safety guidelines poster

I miss manned toll booths because now there's no one to shake your hand

For sale: baby candy, easily taken

really big fortune cookies with novels in them

Mixing the drug that regrows teeth into my bottle of hand cream

Oh that was a load-bearing hangnail

Only working this job until I can afford that piggy bank

Archaeologists unearth big ol’ pit.

Are these enough items? What if the cashier thinks I’m a bad consumer?

Razer Ultimate Edition RGB CPAP

Time was that word of a new tallest horse would capture the national imagination. “Could a gentleman rider pass beneath the Meadowport Arch without losing his hat?” they'd ask. But no, these days it’s just “Ho hum” and everyone returns to blithely slurping the latest stew.

People at work won’t stop referencing Simon & Simon. They’re reciting full episodes in costume and there are cameras and crew everywhere.

Download the United app now to enjoy four episodes of another “The Office” style straight-to-airline sitcom

Wait how come the other gang got to bring some kind of muscle guy

When I come screaming into your solar system it's gonna to be at an angle to the ecliptic so the shotgun blast of exotic particles that heralds my arrival doesn’t sterilize anything your civilization might currently enjoy living on. That’s called being polite.

Honey I’ll take care of you even after I’m gone [QR code on my gravestone that’s an Amazon affiliate link for 9-volt batteries]

Gymnastics team absolutely fucking up this jet bridge, crashing into the ceiling and shit. Guys save it for the flight.

wow you just breezed past that airport mural like it meant nothing to you

I know I say this to you every day but don’t you wonder what it’s doing to your health eating that much liver? Like, who’s really being punished here?

“Sorry I need to take this” - The Gentleman Thief

Star Trek font invitation regular wedding

Making a fucked up little alien dude blow in the breathalyzer so i can start my space ship

Heaven help me if I ever find the person who gave blues traveler the run-around

You used to need a tape deck adapter if you wanted to drive with a mouse and keyboard

Move! Get outta the way! I gotta get home to my magazines

Once again you’ve somehow managed to ruin bulky trash day