Jessica Albatross

Getting dragged out of 30 Rock for trying to explain Gorillaz lore to Lorne Michaels

Bad Lieutenant: Porta Potty New Orleans

Poo world order. These guys stink!

Incredible wife got me a French press coffee maker for my birthday so now I'm going to be more annoying

Digimon Honsou. Is that anything

The Bad Bunny show was the only good part of this game

How it feels to chew 5 Gum

Hey guys, I'm saying this as someone who will eat almost anything: those IHOP lays are fucking terrible

*to the tune of Karma Police* Baba Ghanouj

Study finds words have meanings

My best friend at work is just a dude who he and I recommend restaurants to each other it's great

Martin Sheffield Lickley may have only appeared on Comedy Bang! Bang! five times but he will always be my favorite guest Drew Tarver you're incredible

He's just like me fr

Please read this

Doing standup on BlueSky Live and absolutely bombing because no one here gets jokes. Yes that includes you

Butcher offered me some cured meats. I said I didn’t even know they were sick

I think it's good actually when I sneeze and hurt half of my body doing so

Folks,

Bombing on set doing standup at the World Weightlifting Championships: yeesh, tough crowd

Sorry but trying to justify extrajudicial kidnapping is going to be a block from me fuck off

French Onion ramen to distract myself from the horrors

Guy who calls himself secretary of war: "this isn't about regime change" every fucking idiot: "wow okay cool"

You have to stop giving me access to the internet, I can't stress this enough people

A t-shirt that says "my body is a machine that turns anxiety into worsened IBS symptoms" but the font is really cool

Happy uwu year

Folks they turned the jingle horse into that sparkly Elmer's glue

Got the damn Lament Configuration from my secret Santa again

My gift to you all is not posting this year folks

?????

Bridge over the River Jamiroquai

"time is controlled by a team of wizards in boulder colorado" yea ok sure. and fort collins is the backup. whatever dude

Love taking off my hat after a 9 hour shift and looking like a damn tropical bird

Not going to name the specific restaurant that made this but the local pizza scene is in fucking shambles

*Huey Lewis voice* I got a noooooooose bleed

Please let Mariska Hargitay be in Knives Out

It's bullshit that an apiary has bees. Should be an abeeary. I wanted to see monkey

Ho Ho back on Bang! Bang! My god we are so back

Telling my gastroenterologist that my shit "looks ai generated" and she straps me to a chair and shoots me

You see me frantically typing away on my typewriter. You come over to see what I'm working on and it's 19 pages of "boast reef"

Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic Dershowitz

Me to the subpar ventilation in the bathroom after fighting for my life on the toilet: