Dana Gould

BREAKING: Trump appoints Dennis Hopper’s character from Apocalypse Now as new White House press secretary.

BREAKING: Barbara Thornhill, the State Dept’s new Anti-Trafficking Director, will only work, “When the moon is full and bright.”

I heard that Big Pussy died and immediately sent flowers to Kay Ballard’s husband.

“I moved to Texas to be free, maaaaan.”

Whoever came up with the phrase, “Kill two birds with one stone,” hated birds and thought stones were valuable.

Congratulations to the lovely couple that climbed the Empire State Building.

If The Six Million Dollar Man was made today, it would just be a really cool foot and a bunch of guts.

Spencer Pratt declares maturity level by threatening to run away from home if he doesn’t get what he wants. www.foxnews.com/entertainmen...

Same energy:

FIGHT breaks out on FIGHT SHOW! CNN issues statement about FIGHT on FIGHT SHOW! Social media on fire over FIGHT on FIGHT SHOW! Everyone talking about FIGHT on FIGHT SHOW!

Amazing that in the national divorce the libs are getting the NFL, butter and cooking oil, being attracted to adult women, standup comedy, Bud Light, and now also Catholicism

“It's supposed to be me as a doctor, making people better and I do make people better.”

Also this www.theguardian.com/world/2026/a...

What do I win?

Trump threatening to destroy an entire civilization to get Iran to the table proves that he’s a Master Negotiator. The same way you shit in your hand and rub it into your hair when you’re on an airplane and want more pretzels.

My assumption is tonight he’ll announce a “breakthrough in talks,” and nothing will happen. Although in reality, nothing at all will have happened. We are the prisoner of a man who’s lost what very little sanity he had left. I could be wrong.

In an age of creeping relativism, a universal moral law still exists. Threatening to end an entire civilization of 90 million people in order to bend a nation’s conduct to your will is grossly morally wrong. It is evil. And we should say this loudly.

The U.S. will emerge from this period diminished as a world power, absent the alliances that once made us dominant. That’s good. Because we are not a serious people. A serious people would not have elected him. Or put up with this. Unserious people shouldn’t be trusted. And won’t be.

They need an emoji for “in a nutshell.”

Iran has 48 hours before they’re given two more weeks.

It’s beautiful to watch. He consulted no one and his stepped into a minefield immune to his bullshit. The BEST case scenario is U.S. influence in the mideast is ceded to China. The Iranian regime emerges more secure and America weaker. The trick will be watching him say that’s a good thing.

BREAKING: “In desperate move to save her job, Pam Bondi offers to eat her own poop.”

Kristi Noem has asked for “prayers and privacy,” for her family, but I think we should wait and get all the facts before anyone takes any definitive action.

Pete “a brotherhood of women” Hegseth.”

Pete Hegseth’s press conferences seem a lot more normal if you imagine him dressed up like Klingon. Case in point

Starts a fight with a guy he does not know or understand. Is ASTOUNDED when the guy fights back. Turns to the gathered crowd and demands someone win the fight for him. Everyone folds their arms. Throws a tantrum because it’s “unfair.” The Art Of The Deal #manlymanstrength

Triumph of the human spirit. share.google/VWxOlURyiiDU...

Has anyone told him why they closed it?

He warned us he would run our country like his businesses.

So when he bragged about grabbing women by the pussy, you were cool with that? When he made fun of a handicapped reporter, you were cool with that? When he had a mob attack the capital to steal the election, you were cool with that? But now gas is expensive so you regret your vote? Yeah?

Benjamin Netanyahu has been pressuring American presidents to attack Iran for decades. BIll Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama were all subjected to Netanyahu’s pressure, bullying and manipulation. But only Donald Trump was stupid enough to actually do it.

I do admire how his interior design sense matches his inner ugliness. If he discovered the Black Dahlia‘s corpse, the first thing he would do is put lipstick on it.

Could someone please photoshop Kash Patel guzzling beer onstage next to every Oscar winner?

How is this the same president who punched the 13-year-old girl in the head after a bad blow job? You think you know people.

BREAKING: Trump meeting with advisors to discuss what merch to wear to greet next planeload of fallen soldiers.

Today’s statement from the Chairman of the Board Of Peace.

Let’s not forget that the murderers of Renee Good and Alex Pretti are back at work, behind their masks, brutalizing people, having faced no accountability whatsoever.

"The sooner David Ellison takes over that network, the better." The Defense Secretary calling for a billionaire ally of the government to take over a media outlet & make it more pro-government. This is what authoritarianism looks like. But in other countries they try & hide it.

Tue. March 10th Mill Valley CA. One night. One show. www.throckmortontheatre.org/events/eejjf...

Fun Fact!! Russia is providing intel to the Iranian military on the location of US troops. Meanwhile, the US is lifting tariffs in Russian oil to counteract the supply disruption caused by the war. Russia helps Iran kill US soldiers, and we reward them financially for their efforts. #WINNING

“Look, I knew if my wife f%#%ed that guy I’d punch her in the face. Then that guy would come to my work and start some shit, but I’m already on probation at work, so I killed that guy before she could f%#% him and now my job is safe!”

Benjamin Netanyahu with a valuable lesson for everyone: “You can achieve the impossible if you’re patient enough to wait for someone stupid enough to do it.” newrepublic.com/post/207228/...