Dan Royal

Keep telling me college football is dying. I can't hear you over the roar of Wyoming vs. Air Force under the Friday night lights airing live on the CW.

"all fish are the same shape" is a 10/10 Dad Take and you gotta respect the gumption

"Trump has urged Ukrainians to elect a new leader before, but each time he does that, Zelenskyy's popularity rises" Lol

DETROIT!! please join, shop at, or donate to the Detroit people's good coop! It is a very nice store!!!

How long until 9/11 transitions from Day of Solemn Remembrance to mattress sales and car loan deals?

Observed labor day by going to a grocery store with only self-checkout and stealing a bunch of stuff at the register. Score one for the workers!

They took my advice!

Michigan Football should go back to cheating

MACtion giveth and MACtion also giveth

If your mouse is cordless I'm calling it a hampster. End of discussion.

Ok so it's called "fantasy football" but all I wanted to do was draft Gandolf the Gray at quarterback and suddenly I'm being asked calmly but firmly to leave the buffalo wild wings

Ok I'm all for cultural acceptance but I draw the line at grownups drinking milk

Looking for a chef's knife in the Airbnb but all they give you is four butter knives, twelve steak knives and a scimitar

What's Shri Thanedar's next move now that he's leaving Congress?

‘That’s All I’m Saying,’ Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff

"Some people say Casablanca or Citizen Kane. I say Jason and the Argonauts is the greatest film ever made." Tom Hanks, 1992.

"Alright so, as you know, this guy is the greatest player in history" "Don't worry boss we know just how to defend him"

I feel like Spain are the Iowa of the world cup. They make every game a Spain game and you can only win by out-Spaining them

Abraham Aiyash's Farmer Jack themed mailer is my favorite thing about this election cycle so far

This is all Donald Trump's fault

Who would have thought our bad defense would be a problem 🤷‍♂️

Trump pressuring fifa is a broken clock situation. 100% appropriate use of executive authority.

I've been trying all these sea captain themed deodorants but none of them are giving me the full dead fish smell I'm really after. Just trying to give the ladies what they want, you know?

Everyone's saying "stay hydrated" but no one is saying "yes you can pee here"

No penalty for this and also a goal taken off the board previously. I'm glad Congo ended up pulling it out because the ref was hosing them big time

Germany was cooked the moment they walked out wearing teal

Taco bell catching strays

Shout out to algae.

I need a polite/professional way to address people in my office using my profile picture for ai generated nonsense. I don't care if it's a fun little joke or if you need to put me in a group photo for the website or whatever. Please do not feed my face to the big hungry monster!

Unpopular opinion but I think they should get better at beating teams one at a time before they take on two at once

“You know what I’m sayin’? … Me, for example. I couldn’t work in some stuffy little office. … The outdoors just calls to me.”

All the suburban suckers at work are talking about driving around looking for the best gas prices while I, a savvy lifelong Detroiter, simply continue to patronize the one gas station in my neighbors that I'm reasonably confident won't steal my credit card info 🧠🧠😤

Devasted to find that the crotch on my favorite sweatpants has blown out. The prognosis is these bad boys may only have several more years of life left in them.

What I come back to as a parent thinking about my kids' screentime is the opportunity cost - "what would they be doing otherwise?". An hour (or 2?) at school is probably fine. But if they are on the Chromebook all day, then there are all kinds of learning that they aren't getting the chance to do.

"out the country but the blueberry still connect" Let's bring back rappers flaunting the specific terms and conditions of their mobile phone plans

When a woodpecker is pecking it actually tickles the tree. The pecking is too loud, or else you'd be able to hear the tree going "tee hee hee tee hee hee".

I can't explain it but this is every Michigan fan right now

SPECIAL BULLETIN My 5yo believes the avengers character Hawkeye is called Hawk Guy THAT IS ALL

My super power is think cilantro is just ok

I think they actually planned the Venezuela thing and the Iran thing together. Thought they would get control of the Venezuelan oil, which would reduce the impact of attacking Iranian oil. And even though no one at any point expressed interest in Venezuelan oil they just kept going along with it.

Spent a brief amount of time in an airport today so you KNOW I have a Kelly Clarkson song stuck in my head

Me: I don't know if you've seen the news but we're going to have to think about how to talk to our kids about this Wife: you mean the increasingly spiraling war our government started for no reason? Me: no, worse

"oh and interpreting the blinking lights will help users diagnose and fix connectivity problems, right?" Inventer of the internet modem: "lol"

The acoustics in an ice arena are universally awful and it's for that reason I'm declaring that figure skating will probably peter out as a sport pretty shortly