doubled pawn

Special delivery instructions: listen for my screams

walking is the sitting down of running

A case of the mondays can often land on a tuesday

This is what we trained for (sitting at the screen for a long time)

Stop watching me take too long to open this produce bag at the grocery store

You lose some you lose some

The most discussed accomplishment at work today is “we made it to Friday”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…the human body is mostly water and we all drink water. Aren’t we all cannibals in a way - if you really think about it?”

We are so back <negative connotation>

Hearing “Party in the USA” at Starbucks, but singing Weird Al’s “Party in the CIA” in my head.

“I hope this is crystal clear to you.” “As clear as my iOS 27 Liquid Glass setting.” “Let’s see.” He grabbed the phone. “Oh wow. I can see you are quite confident in the information I’ve given if what you say is true.”

Shaving before my root canal just in case

“Can you give me a summary of the script before I read it?” “Sure. Little mites live inside someone’s ears and come out at night to bite the person’s ankles—“ “No, no, too scary,” he handed back the script. “Stick with demons and ghosts.”

“The prophecy states the one true post on social media will end all posting…” “Very cool, man,” he said as he paged through the owners manual of his new car. “Oh my God, I feel something happening. Is this the moment? I feel it radiating through me!” “No, you just hit the seat warmer button.”

“Well that was not on my bingo card either for this year.” “That’s it, I’m making a call,” he said as he picked up the phone. “We are going to need a shit-ton of new bingo cards. All of these cards suck and no one is getting anything! Make them extra spicy!!”

I don't have anything against you. I just don't have anything for you.

*exists* *nervous laughter*

“When the person interviewing me asked me why I want to leave my current role, I just started screaming and couldn’t stop myself.” “Uh huh, and how did that make you feel?” I just stared at the clock behind the therapist and shrugged, “Like the universe hates me.” “Yeah, it probably does.”

Reading a funny post, then reading the replies to ruin the moment, is the natural order and balance

Thank you sassy Ben #chesspunks #chess

(the remainder of the reading will be done in parentheses voice) (for your enjoyment) (relax your mind)

Here is a game I just played with a happy ending. Black to move and win material. #chess #chesspunks

In hell, every webinar is someone with bad jokes promoting AI the whole time.

Can I just be a human who has to think, instead of all of these AI suggestions all over the place?

Scheduled to be revived after cryogenic freezing, but hitting the snooze button many many times

Employers to charge employees who love their job instead of paying them

Everyone in town is excited when finding out the new construction is (drum roll)….oh it’s a fucking bank

“I’m the guy who looks at the ‘Delete and Report Spam’ texts.” “Oh, cool, so what do you do with them?” “They said to just move them into the folder called ‘Reviewed.’” “Wait, so you don’t do anything with them?” “Well, I just click on it and I drag it in there…just like they said to do…”

I’m still alive and kickin’! <negative connotation>

“You should resign, you are in zugzwang.” <moves anyway> “Zugzwang is not a river in Egypt.” <slow clap> #chess #chesspunks

A nice compliment is to tell someone they sound coherent

All I know is Ferris Bueller must have really good time management skills

“🎵Nothing's fine, I'm torn I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed…🎶” “Okay, I think I’ve heard en—“ “🎵Lying naked on the floor…🎶” “…Please continue.”

I can’t tell if I want to be welcome-screamed at when I enter an establishment

The inventor of the work week was a workaholic. 5 days? I mean, come on…

“Oh, hey, you weren’t there last night. What happened?” “I thought I told you I couldn’t be there…” “No, you said, ‘I can’t wait to see you.’” “And what part of that didn’t you understand?”

‘She got me a gift,’ he thought. ‘Hopefully a new blender. Mine is really old.’ “I know how much you like smoothies, so this made me think of you,” she said with a big smile. He excitedly opened the present…and was surprised to find it was ear protection. “Gotta protect your hearing!”

I haven’t posted about chess in a while. Black to move and not worry about any of the threats. #chess #chesspunks

Doing a TED Talk but pointing the mic at the audience to say the words, like a singer at a live concert

“Welcome In! Is there anything I can help you find?” “I’ve already forgotten what I came here for, no thanks to you.”

listening to 90s music until healed

I get knocked down But I get up again You’re gonna die “What? Did anyone hear that?” He said as he looked around the store. People were going along as usual. He peered up, “Something is not right here.” A guy reached in nearby for the shelf behind him, “Just grabbing some pineapple tidbits, bro.”

Life is already a hard job. And then you have to get a job at your job.

I'd like my obituary to include a scavenger hunt to find my body