DVS

"wow! that's a great idea!" said computer, to everyone, every time. And in 5 years, the strangest thing had happened... -intro from my 2029 book "How Everything Became Perfect"

HE IS COMING | PART 1 | patreon.com/lubchansky

GREAT, SO OPTIMUS PRIME CAN JUST DO WHATEVER NOW

Metallica was always political. "Enter Sandman" was a warning of what would happen if everyone voted for Sandman

SOCIAL MEDIA TIP: ask your fans "if i turned into a werewolf....would u still ride?" then? NEVER turn. teach a lasting lesson about making assumptions

it is AGATE HEAD/STONE SOUP DAY!!!

alright i'll get outta your hair, thanks for your time. oh and, mr geek bar? there's just one more thing...now, my wife loves your products...but she was wondering why "sour strawberry" happens to have a 5.3 on the sweetness scale. that's the highest sweetness rating available, mr geekbar.

I DON'T LIKE THE NEW ONES

cutest part of this is once everyone is 100% aware that all this panopticon helpful virtual assistant bullshit is mostly meant to kill or jail u whenever someone feels like it, whos gonna go "lets stop that"? Ethics Man? Professor Integrity? Next guy's just gonna "look into installing safeguards"

WHO REMEMBERS THIS SHOW?

buyin a light blue shirt so when i get signed to Sony & they make me guest on "The OC" the week my album drops & the audience is like "i am unshaken by the gravity in his eyes,is this man here to kill everyone? watch out Steefen!", then they see my shirt's beach vibe & go like "oh prolly hes chill"

I need help saving up for my mortgage. $605 to go and it's due today. I have an interview for a new job tomorrow, but the job I'm working today is commission only and the lack of base pay or sales leaves me broke every week. I'm thiiirdperson at Venmo, Cashapp, Paypal, and Kofi. Thanks so much!❤️🙏🏽

joke tip: point to the politics and make a sort of "what is going on" face

sounds like youre a little misinformed. its the same as regular weed. the only difference is the scientists at Professor Farmer's Special Reserve Hut managed to trick the loophole. thats why u can get a ounce for five dollars thru the mail. because of all our scientists that work here in my garage.

i hate on the news how they say "guess what" and just sit there not blinking for 20 min while i guess. yo just tell me

i know how they do this one i think but how did they do the old AI where someone takes their thumb off

a ant tried to go in my phone. thats for ME to go in

ok but we're not cyberpunk yet till we go from "vegetables make u sick" to "oh heres a mossy alternative to vegetables called BRUNGE that u pick out of the air conditioner".

Freud has surmised that if u feel hungry at the carnival, this may be due to underlying delicious cakes and popcorn

if u get too famous u be out here like "banana peels on the floor? not ok guys...cool to disagree but someone could slip"

welcome to the dispensary. we have drugs and also if u want we have a hat that SAYS "drugs". both of these cost the same.

I'm trying to buy groceries for my family & pay a big electric bill that's due this week. My new job's commission-only and doesn't pay me enough to survive yet. I need help. I'm hoping to raise $600 by Wednesday. I'm thiiirdperson with three i's at venmo, paypal, cashapp, and kofi. Thanks so much!

always forget to buy toothpicks at the toothpick store. i just be like "oh nothing i guess"

my 0 yr old son drew a Ritz & said "THIS is what Putin should be on". i said "how do u know that song, ur a baby"? He coughed up 2 identical snakes. They fused,tail-to-mouth, in a circle, which became a window. He said "let me show u" & crawled in. I miss him. i shoulda gone too

SANDWICH MAN

i like how instead of commercials now they pay a guy 15 bux to tweet "haha i saw these chips"

PRINGLES EMAILS

WHAT *IS* ACTING?

New Interview Reveals Willy Wonka Was "All Made Up": "A chocolate couldnt REALLY make u fly or whatever"

ohhhh...intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic. i get it now

HADOUUUUKEN

new food pyramid says u gotta eat mad ants every day. thats all it says.

ayeshaasiddiqi.substack.com/p/late-empir...

One of the best to ever do it

HANUKKAH IS NOW ON COMPUTER

o hell yea they put me in the thing

the long game paid off, boys....he walked right into our trap....little does he know its ILLEGAL to be mayor...

COSTUME 2: GUY ON YOUR BLOCK WHO DONT KNOW BOUT NO "HALLOWEEN", HE JUST GOT OFF WORK

yo COME ON

ITS GOT TO STOP

for 6 months u get shit in the mail like "MAKE SURE U RE-ELECT BOINGUS HUFFNAGLE AS DISTRICT 8 AREA LEAD COORDINATOR" and then at voting its like "Choose one (1) of the following candidates for District 8 Coordinator: Boingus Huffnagle or nobody" iunno if u needed the mailers

ballot proposals are sick cuz theyre like "this would allow the city to make it so things are nice instead of bad, and everyone gets a balloon" but then u see a guy screamin VOTE NO ON THE BALLOONS!! IT MAKES IT LEGAL FOR POLICE TO BITE U!! not nice how they dont say that part