electricnerve

When I gave up comedy to become a poet, things went from bad to verse

I must admit I was shocked when I heard the allegations that Russell Brand was a comedian

I called the Department of Human Services today and got a robot

I'm a household name in at least one household

One day, when I grow up, they'll name a syndrome after me.

Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth, and We Just Have To Deal With It

Every time Albert Einstein came up with a new theory people would say "yeh ok Einstein"

Trump Press Secretary: What does "idk" stand for? Press Assistant: I don't know. Trump Press Secretary: Omg, nobody does!

As a food writer I use a nom nom de plume

I went to the doctors but he wouldn't come out and see me. Turned out I had an apple in my bag

Let's dispense with the niceties ...

I saw a woman in a t-shirt with "GUESS" on it, and I thought "umm ... silicone?"

Oh well these forty winks aren't going to catch themselves

In terms of respiration, today has been breathtaking

One time I ordered an entire meal in Italian, just to impress my date, and the guy in the Burger King drive-thru just said "wot"

My mum asked me to go and buy a $30 tub of anti-ageing cream for her. She's 88. What exactly does she think it is going to do?

The weather has changed and it's the start of turtle mating season. Not that I care. Knowing my luck I'll get an ugly one.

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

Movie pitch: A Trojan hearse sneaks in an army of the Undead

Every day is different, so every day should have its own unique name. No repeats.

Is it a good idea to eat popcorn when film editing?

Reader's Digest Condensed Books are abridged too far

On what basis are we entitled to our opinions?

Do you get back in the pool after realising you're the only one at the swim-up bar getting out to go to the toilet?

I spent the whole day today

Just say "No thank you" to drugs. Good manners cost nothing.

Why do we care so much about the overindulgent self-pity of the narrator in Bohemian Rhapsody but so little about the murder victim?

"Iran must open the Strait of Hormuz or I will rain down ejected pilots on them"

Easy Rider is just The Great Escape without the barbed wire

The secret to being a great dancer is to bend your knees slightly in time with the beat while holding your hands in the stick-em-up position

If horses knew how to untie knots they wouldn't have to stand outside saloons all day

Ultra-marathon winner: "Now I just have to come to terms with my achievement" Let me help you: you've run around in a circle for four days

If you’re driving around in unmarked cars, wearing masks, and kidnapping people, you’re not one of the good guys.

The fact that some people's surname is "Gibbons" is further proof that we descended from apes

You can believe anything if you put your mind to it

Non-stick cookware is any cookware that is not a stick

I've had it up to here with turtle neck sweaters

Coconuts kill around 150 people per year. But people eat an estimated 57 million coconuts per year, which means people are winning.

The supermodels are falling through the cracks

Get your skates on, we're going surfing

People who say "I would love to be a fly on the wall" lack ambition

you still got one cent, get back in there king

Everything is going to be covfefe

LinkedIn is the worst dating app ever

When I say "He displays antisocial behaviour and criminal tendencies, has no empathy, guilt, conscience or remorse and takes no responsibility for his manipulative, impulsive actions" and everyone will know exactly who I'm talking about. (This is the textbook definition of a psychopath, btw)

We're owning the libs. And guns. Mainly we're owning guns.

When you choose to shoot yourself in the foot, it doesn't really matter if it is the left or the right

Albert Einstein was a genius. Elon Musk is an immature, insecure man with too much money, too much power, and too much mouth. Not quite the same thing.