Yael

Getting into the spirit of the season

[releases helium-filled heart balloon] Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird

A Hooters, but for ass men. Call it Tooters

If the first place to grab a pint on Mars isn't called the Space Bar I swear to god

Me: "Don't you dare" sounds perfectly normal but "do not you dare" sounds absolutely ridiculous which is insane because "don't" is a contraction for "do not." Doctor: I meant is anything bothering you physically

Probably unrelated but the guy at the gym watching fox news on the elliptical has his shirt on inside out

There seems to be some confusion, so let me clear things up. If facing real consequences for a horrific thing you did could ruin your life, then yes, I do think you deserve to have your life ruined. Hope this helps

One day after being abandoned vs 5 days of being loved

Watch my solo orphan babe settle when I pretend I'm cleaning him like his mom would 🥹

Anyone: Do you need help? Me, desperately in need of help: Omg you're so sweet, no I'm good but thank you so much! [perilously close to the edge] do you need anything though

Shoutout to the Airpods noise canceling function that didn't snitch to my boss when she called me at 1:00 pm on a Tuesday and I was at Costco

"Kids who read more have better vocabularies" OK well I loved reading as a kid, but once in high school I pronounced "banal" like "anal" in front of my entire English class because I'd never heard anyone say it out loud before so maybe basic vocabulary is actually fine

A guy behind me in line at Walgreens dropped something and APOLOGIZED TO ME like it was some sort of inconvenience and my dumb ass said sorry right back so now we're getting married.

Sure everything keeps getting worse but it’s important not to lose sight of the fact that everything is also getting dumber.

I bit a radioactive spider and now he's just sitting in the corner crying about the fact that none of his pants fit him anymore.

Pancake walked in on me laying with the dog on the couch where we usually cuddle

I'm just a girl standing in front of a mirror looking for the FUCKING HAIR THAT'S TOUCHING MY FACE WHERE IS IT

Eating sushi when you're actually hungry feels like being thirsty as hell and trying to quench it by sucking water out of a wet rag.

Had a first date at a bar that happened to be playing a LOT of ska and I kept zoning back in mid enthusiastic lip sync so either this dude is never going to talk to me again or I'm gonna have to marry him

Just when I thought America was beyond repair I found a fucking hot dog farm LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Just took a walk without my headphones and holy shit, you guys know about birds? Rad stuff

We need a members-only grocery store where you have to pass a test proving you're a functional human with common sense and the most basic situational awareness to shop there.

I love surprises as long as I have a general idea of what's involved, where and when it'll happen, who will be there, and how long it'll last

Every little thing she does is magic. Burn her. Burn the witch.

Him: Why are women so mysterious? It's like they thrive off of keeping secrets. Me: We're not. You just don't listen Him: I'll figure it out one day

OK well I asked about it, and it turns out she did NOT know about the community service/license thing

Seems odd looking back that as a 17-year-old, my mom let me date a guy who was several years older, who I had to drive to community service because he got his license temporarily revoked. But to this day, he's the kindest, safest person I ever dated so maybe moms just know

Work serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept people's idiocy, the courage to answer insane questions sincerely, and the wisdom to know not respond to emails with "are you stupid"

Almost nobody actually read the books we were told to read in high school, but now, most of my friends and I are in book clubs voluntarily. The difference? Alcohol. Let high schoolers drink, but only in English class

🎶If you wanna be my mugger, You're gonna get 15 pens Pens don't last forever So I buy lots of pens🎶

Everyone has a friend who "doesn't have time" to watch TV but watches three hours of reels every single day

[Checking online] OK yes my insurance covers this doctor [Calling to make sure] OK yes my insurance covers this doctor [Gets a bill for $800] What the fuck Insurance: Oh! Yes we cover that doctor, but only Monday-Thursday and your appointment was on a Friday

Burnout was not nearly as common in prior generations. Is it because everything is getting less attainable while expectations get higher, forcing us to essentially kill ourselves for life we'll never have? Or was it because of the cocaine

Dating in my early 20s: I will only date someone who is taller than me, has a good career, would be a great dad, cooks for me- Dating in my mid 30s: I will only date someone who I'm at least 95% sure wouldn't murder me.

Netflix's algorithm: Because you watched this show, we think you'd enjoy watching this show again

Person: [Calls from an unknown number] Me: If it was important, they'd leave a message. Person: [Leaves message] Me: Yeah, lol I'm not listening to that.

What's your most traumatic childhood memory that'd only be traumatic to a kid? When I was 6 I got a sea monkey kit. I loved and doted over those eggs until they hatched. When I ran to show my dad, I dropped them all over the deck. I screamed like I was being murdered. Your turn

Rankings of jam from best to worst: 1. Space 2. Toast and 3. Oh hot damn this is my 4. Toe 5. Traffic

Hot new summer pickup move is asking strangers to check you for ticks.

I need a drug that feels the same as a dog running up to me with its tail wagging, and then having their human say "weird, he doesn't usually like people"

Me: Hi, may I please see the wine list? Waiter: Ma'am, it's 8 AM. Me: Oh, sorry. Good morning, may I please see the wine list?

Nobody told me that as soon as I had enough money to actually do things I wanted to do, I wouldn't have time. Haha just kidding, I still can't afford them but it's ok, I don't want to do them anymore because I'm also depressed

I'm opening a store that sells tail extensions for dogs who had theirs docked. A retail store.

At this point, whatever

Is being subpar at golf a good thing or a bad thing

Maybe the boomers are right, and all we need to do to live comfortably and afford property is stop spending money on frivolous things like *checks notes* food

[Slaps head] this baby can fit so much anxiety

I live in the greatest country in the world. I pay $450 a month for health insurance so I can pay $250 to go to a doctor who prescribes me a medication that I can't afford because it isn't covered by insurance.

Whenever you think you don't matter, remember that you could be the one to introduce your neurodivergent friend to the phrase they're going to repeat 28 times a day for the rest of their lives.

I need a second therapist to help me figure out if my first therapist is mad at me