Gc

Awaken your potential. Subscribe to The Onion: membership.theonion.com.

just asked my robot vacuum "what is your problem?"

Let the truth take over. Ascend to a higher plane of info with these affirmations.

“Madison [Rhodes] has been on our radar ever since she humiliated a total stranger at a Zara changing area and sent her fleeing the store in tears,” said White House communications director Steven Cheung

I’m binge watching Seinfeld. Amazing how the show identified and parodied a lot of the “culture war” themes in the 90s. Clairvoyant stuff

A new study has succeeded in mapping, on a global scale, the fungal network that supports plant life and helps regulate our planet’s climate. www.wired.com/story/theres...

We get: Iran opens the strait that was open before we started the war that has cost us precious lives and immense fortune Iran gets: $300bln, maintain status quo on nuclear, no sanctions, ability to negotiate tolls for the strait after 60 days

Since the start of his tenure as secretary of defense, Pete Hegseth has sought to delegitimize the accomplishments—and the very presence—of Black people in the military, @clintsmithiii.bsky.social writes.

There’s been a lot of talk in this race about what makes a "real man." A man does what’s right when no one is watching. He upholds his commitments to his family and neighbors. He doesn’t lie, cheat, & steal his way through life. Real men serve others. Weak men serve themselves.

The biggest con job in history is…

% of Americans who say that if the price of an item drops from $600 to $10, it is a... 600% reduction in price: 9% 98.33% reduction in price: 64% Something else: 12% Don't know: 15% See the full survey on math: yougov.com/en-us/daily-...

Nuclear Iran is not acceptable because it would hold the world supply of vital goods hostage and launch holy wars. Oh wait….

When the time comes for accountability, he will be too old or mentally unfit to be held accountable. But the people around him now won’t be so lucky.

Rewatching Veep. It’s not at all funny as a documentary.

Trump works for Putin. Plain & simple. I don’t know why, by now, anyone has a hard time saying that. Call Trump a Putin puppet, call him a Russian asset, whatever. The truth is the same. Trump works for Putin.

This isn’t good

ICE Agent Stuffs Sock Under Mask To Give Himself Chin

This is encouraging. Gift article www.startribune.com/chris-madel-...

Takes a lot of guts to stand in front of an armored vehicle operated by a paramilitary group with no regard to human life. Wow.

Anti-ICE protesters fill the streets of downtown Minneapolis during an "ICE Out" rally on Jan. 23. 📷️ Alex Kormann/The Minnesota Star Tribune Continuing coverage: bit.ly/3ZsrBxQ

SEEING IS BELIEVING DHS claims the car being chased rammed the ICE vehicle. The video shows the opposite. 📌 A father and son, a US citizen, are chased. The teen is beaten and seriously injured. The father is deported. DHS lied. The video tells the truth. Excellent reporting by Antonia Hylton.

Smith: "Our assessment of the evidence is that [Trump] is the person most responsible for what happened on January 6th. He caused what happened. It was foreseeable to him and then when it happened he tried to exploit in furtherance of the conspiracy."

We need to move faster. dbarkhuff.substack.com/p/trump

The Onion December issue clairvoyant front page article

2026 prediction: being able to smoke cigarettes in public spaces is a constitutional right and smoking is actually good for you anyway.

1000!

Epstein survivors just dropped a powerful message for Congress, and it hits like a warning: no more waiting, the truth is coming, ready or not. Watch till the end @housedemocrats.bsky.social @houserepublicans.bsky.social

POV: you’re in charge of ICE and realize you need to increase immigration to fill your open vacancies with qualified candidates

Leaving MAGA/Red Wine & Blue Town Hall tonight. DM for the link. @redwineblueusa.bsky.social

1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers on our new series: Encircled. Subscribe at membership.theonion.com to get the paper delivered to your door.

Vaccines are safe and effective. Autism isn't caused by vaccines, and autistic people and their families deserve our support. When you want information, ask your doctor. It's more important than ever for all of us to speak plainly, truthfully, and directly about public health.

Turns out, juggling a soccer ball is a lot like running for office — it takes balance, focus, and a little help from your team. Want to be part of the team? Chip in today. secure.actblue.com/donate/fran-...

2 October 1931 | French Jewish girl Alice Huberman was born in Paris. In August 1942 she was deported to #Auschwitz and murdered in a gas chamber after the selection.

No Kings. October 18. Everywhere. Nonviolent mass mobilization is the way

Trump: "I'm very careful when I walk down stairs, like I'm on stairs, I walk very slowly. Nobody has to set a record. Just try not to fall because it doesn't work out well."

Trump's Shocking Order - Prepare to Fire on Americans: Trump just summoned 800 generals to a military base. He threatened to fire disloyal commanders, spoke of “domestic enemies,” and floated using troops in U.S. cities. This isn’t about crime control. It’s the playbook of fascism — turning the…

Hegseth claimed we need to “return to the male standard” in combat jobs, but there has never been a separate male and female standard. When women entered combat roles, one standard was set, and we’ve been meeting it ever since. You can either do the job or you can’t. Period. youtu.be/9TGwqIi1qIA

I didn’t stutter: there will be no federal takeover of Portland.

Gavin Newsom, Kristi Noem Nod Silently To Each Other In Plastic Surgeon’s Office

17 September 1940 | Dutch Jewish girl, Amalia van Spier, was born in The Hague. She was deported to #Auschwitz from Westerbork in August 1942. She was murdered in a gas chamber after the arrival selection. --- Dutch Jews deported to Auschwitz: http://lekcja.auschwitz.org/32_en/

I’m sticking with “assassination is bad” and add “if, as these charges suggest, you assassinated someone to fight hate, you absolutely condemned a bunch of other people to die as a natural consequence.”

its also imo no longer acceptable if you wanna cover politics in 2025 to not understand the internet. saw a person on here the other day complaining about being confused by discord and its like, well…

theonion.com/witnesses-as...

Political violence disproportionately hurts people with less power, not people with more power. Political violence will disproportionately hurt people of color and women and LGBTQ people. It’s not fair, but that’s the way it works. Celebrating political violence means at best indifference to that.