Geraint

As it's National Poetry Day, I'll punt this one again There once was a young man from Harrow Who tried to have sex with a sparrow The sparrow said "no, you can't have a go because the hole in my arse is too narrow"

SHOP ME: Hello, have you got any Quorn? S: Yes, what variety? ME: on the Quob? S: Please leave

🎶Egrets, I've had a few Which is why I'm banned🎶 🎶From the zoo-be-doo-be-doo🎶 Frank Sinatra: Singer Ornithophile Pervert

The hardest part of getting a job as a fluffer was beating off the competition.

"If the doors of perception are cleansed, you can make a start on the windows, and make sure you get right in the corners." William Blake's mum. 1976 - 1978.

Highlights from my copy of the Trapdoor annual 1987

'70s football: when men were so tough, they'd play with the head of a decapitated skier.

Coquelicot J by Jasper Conran at Debenhams

I'm sorry, I haven't been well recently. I went to Twitter and I think I might have caught something

Last client of the week cancelled. So there's nothing else for it but to retreat to the shed and ponder the rainfall #shed #shedlife #shedwardwoodwood

He loves Fiona Bruce

give me a single image from a film that immediately makes you hear a song from the soundtrack in your head

Although mooses aren't indigenous to all parts of Canada, they can be found elkswhere

"My dog does magic tricks." "Really? What breed is he?" "He's a labracadabrador."

Behold my new shed

Poet, author, miner, soldier

What's your sign?

Ray Brooks

Random shit you find in the shed #randomshityoufindintheshed

♠️THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT, BABY I DON'T WANT TO LIVE FOREVER♠️

I've just been appointed Minister for Indifferent Capybara

It's not as warm today as it has been recently #BurnhamOut

Dot is still troubled by her decision to let Nick die of a Heroin overdose.

There's nothing new about that refcam effect. I was doing that with Special Brew 30 years ago

Andy Burnham announces a new minister for The North.

I will gladly accept Andy Burnham as our next Prime Minister, as long as someone in a fox costume supports his every public appearance

London New York Paris Munich Everybodytalkabout Pop Musik

THERAPIST. "Just take your time and show me on the doll.. " PINOCCHIO. "I don't think you quite understand, mate.."

🎵Her penis, her penis, the greatest gift that I posses I thank the Lord that I've been blessed With more than my share of her penis🎵

Yep

I hope those £13.75 memory insoles aren't as good as they're advertised, because I've just called them a pair of overpriced twats and told them to fuck off.

I see yer dad's bouncing back after the divorce. Given himself a new nickname

Yer dad revs his trolley when Meat Loaf comes on the in store radio

You know you're middle aged when the best buzz you've had in ages is staying up late for the cooler temperatures

🎶Round the Ole Oak Tree…🎶

When I was married I used to watch porn on rewind so I could fantasise about a woman putting her clothes on and leaving the house on time.

I'd rather not, thank you very much.

These rappers names are getting weirder

I found a tired and confused bumble bee crawling around my kitchen earlier but I refused to give it anything because they only spend it on drink.

Found in Aisle 3 of B&Q. You might need some help getting it in the boot of your car.

Zapruder

I refused to watch the Grand National as my principles preclude me from participating in the exploitation of animals that don't taste very nice.

Falco there, sporting the confidence that can only come from knowing you'll never be Austria's worst export #totp

Sinister nonce buffet #totp

I'm having supper again later. Geraint 1 Jesus 0

They're not going to tell us what it is, though.

You had Summer last week. Put your anorak on.