Neil

I don’t remember owning four trampolines?

Wearing my sombrero today was a bad idea.

The collective noun for roads is a Colossus.

Push pineapple shake the tree.

Man City have just taken the lead in the Indoor cycling.

Man City have just taken the lead in the Indoor cycling.

- My sheepdog loves sitting on vegetables. - Is he a Border Collie? - No… he’s currently on a cabbage.

Man chastised for removing trousers at an orgy.

The menu at Michael Stipe's new restaurant's quite unusual. That's ghee in the korma, and that's Brie in the pot, right, fusing with the pigeon.

Liven up boring poetry recitals by whispering "I think that one's Dusty Bin" to the person next you, after every poem.

That’s lunch sorted.

Her father was a fireman in the town of Trumpton.

I have a randomly generated wallpaper on my work computer. This morning I got these nice Snow Monkeys… at the same time I had a playlist on shuffle on my phone, and this photo of Crosby, Stills, and Nash appeared.

I bet Man City wish they were this good at overturning things.

He was called Steve Ballesteros before the first tee off.

I went for a sit down wee during the night and the seat was up.

My Great Grandad was a gunslinger in the old west. He didn't last very long, the other Cowboys were shooting theirs.

So you’re a serial killer? That don’t impr… Shania’s last words.

We just watched Agatha Christie's Murder on the Buses. Butler did it.

- I'm leaving on that midnight train to Georgia. - Gladys Knight? - Not really, I'd rather it was in the morning.

I do enjoy a good spoonerism opportunity.

What happened, Man?

What happened, Man?

KFC popcorn chicken’s so smooth, apparently they use kernel sanders.

KFC popcorn chicken’s so smooth, apparently they use kernel sanders.

I rolled into work twenty minutes late this morning. I think I’ll just walk in tomorrow.

This is what Public Image Limited's "This Is Not A Love Song" sounds like when sung in Czech.

Two things I can never remember when I’m asked: my age, and what number petrol pump I just used.

James lead singer, Tim Booth played Victor Zsasz in Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins.

Who’s your favourite Beatle: Jack Douglas, Charles Bronson, Rodney Bewes, or Richard O’Sullivan?

We’ve been in the Lakes all week, we have to check out of our lodge by 9:45 tomorrow… so we spent the day in Ambleside (lovely), got back, packed up, and drove home tonight. I’ll wake up at home tomorrow! What a win.

The Godfather’s amazing, a brilliant movie… but Sonny’s air shot’s always bothered me.

The Godfather’s amazing, a brilliant movie… but Sonny’s air shot’s always bothered me.

Kelly Rowland’s on The Voice. He’s changed so much since his Dexys days.

Never the Twain… A missed opportunity.

It’s between Hull City and Arsenal this year. Too close to call.

Oh you gritty gritty gang gang, Gritty Gritty Gang Gang, We love you.

Why is it just accepted that a stork delivered Dumbo? We never mention the elephant in the womb.

My wife's weird, last week she said she wouldn't mind if I had a tattoo, today she's complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden.

My wife's weird, last week she said she wouldn't mind if I had a tattoo, today she's complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden.

I was up late last night playing Slap Bass Hero on my PlayStation. I got to level 42.

WHOA, WE’RE HALFWAY THERE, WOAH-OH…

That sounds nice… oh, I’ll probably give it a miss.

There now follows a party election broadcast by the Count Binface Party, And if I do say so myself, it's a banger. #VoteBinface #Clacton

If anything, The Lighthouse Family steered me towards rock.

When you bump into an ex and they don’t look that great, and it makes you feel a lot better about yourself. One of my exes is currently experiencing that.