Jack Bernhardt

tangential but a few years ago I developed a series with an animation company about a fictional Animal Olympic games - it didn't go anywhere BUT I did get to write a joke where three goats beat one of the characters at high jump and he says "I would have won if it weren't for those medalling kids"

going back in time and getting bludgeoned to death by Edgar Allan Poe for describing everything he does as "spooktacular"

this is ABSOLUTELY true. every waking hour of Scooby's life is agony. so maybe remember that the next time you say Jinkies, okay?

sorry to ruin your fun but his whole stoner nice guy routine is an act. Scooby's not even his real name, it's Gideon, and the only reason he can doss about in a mystery van is because his family, the D'Oubay-Doux, made a fortune in the East India Company in the 1700s. educate yourself.

Everybody wants to know that my Achilles heel is// LOOOOOOOOOVE, I don't get enough of it (I think about this line constantly but not in a good way)

is this the only way I can read Normal People now

"enter if you dare" is pretty much standard operation procedure for all locations

oh rip your knees open for a sausage machine and grab your oblong boobs, it's the @taskmaster.tv Series 22 Episode 8 STATS ROUND UP! medium.com/@jackbern23/...

it's so windy you could blow an egg on the pavement

instant gravy. it's genuinely excellent now

this is an incredibly niche complaint but for some reason the BBC Scotland football reporters seem to pride themselves on writing articles about matches involving Scottish teams without ever revealing the actual score www.bbc.co.uk/sport/footba...

I love Radio 4 Extra and it gave me some of my favourite jobs including Newsjack. I am gutted to hear this news, not least because it is my almost constant companion in my car. I want to be able to stumble across programmes that I might not have chosen to listen to - please sign the petition

why do fans of criminal enterprises not like the people trying to shut those criminal enterprises down??

I'm very tired and very angry. Free to read.

Is this the only fixture where the scorecard is a palindrome?

What the hell? This is shocking. www.theargus.co.uk/news/2665180...

I swear the BBC shuts down BBC Three every five years

oh come off it chaka you're clearly not every woman, that would be exhausting. don't be ridiculous

oh suffer motion sickness at walking speed and wrap up a barrel, it's the @taskmaster.tv Series 22 Episode 7 STATS ROUND UP! jackbern23.medium.com/taskmaster-s...

I've decided this is my position on how the media should interact with City games - I understand they may be legally required to cover it but I would report everything with zero colour, the most basic opta style facts. Pretending like they're just another team is not sustainable.

reporting on these games as if they are just a regular club. I would refuse to engage with them and report on their matches with anything beyond the key incidents, anything else is normalising and excusing their massive fraud

As for what I want to happen - I think City should be suspended until the appeal is heard and we have some clarity as every game City play without punishment makes this competition more of a farce. I understand this might not be realistic. However at the very least BBC and other media can stop