Jeff Mac

swear to god, if it turns out I'm currently "living my best life" I am going to be fucking furious

maybe it’ll happen today. put a little pep in our step.

wait a second. that thing where you were supposed to slap somebody 5 and they took their hand away and said TOO SLOW--they were making a little joke. that was a dig. ok. ok. I get it.

I never had an academic rival in school because who wants to get into a big thing over who got the most medium grades by way of half-assing?

dear politician: enough already. I don't enjoy getting texts from people I *like* ok? you need to shut the fuck up now. sincerely, your boss

well, G Flip is notoriously private about such things, obv

I never lived in an NYC apartment as nice as the pics I've seen of Norwegian prisons

well, first let me ask YOU a question: is dust spooky? ah. ok. ok, so then no, I didn't decorate the house for halloween

we don't say "grody to the max" anymore. and things are definitely grody enough, I'm sure of it.

The heavens speed thee in thine enterprise!

You Steal That Stupid Fucking Tree, Charlie Brown

I really thought that by now, there would be enough bad blood in his cult that someone who knew enough would have gotten pissed enough to bring the whole thing down.

I'm training claude to say my mantra for me over 1mil times per second. I'll be in nirvana by the weekend

you don't see witches getting ChatGPT to cast spells for them. oh god, they're doing it right now aren't they

I don't pray, but I've been on with an unmanned customer service line and yelled "REPRESENTATIVE" so I get it

How did he win without appealing to moderate Republicans?

yelling into my phone "I DID IT. I DID IT ALREADY. STOP TELLING ME ABOUT THE ELECTION, I'M GOOD"

I like New Mexico voting. permanent absentee voting if you want, for my fellow indoorsy types. No postage needed to mail back your ballot. easy peasy, red and green chile plus, the instructions come with a sticker

good news, everyone, I have (once again) advanced my Starfield character's skills to the point where I'm not sure it's even fun anymore!

we’re pretending you can’t say ‘merry Christmas’ again folks

“yes, I’d like to return these heights. They don’t wuther the way I was picturing,” and other things I definitely didn’t think or say

here’s how you know that Fall is inherently superior to Summer: Summer lasted for One Thousand Years. Fall is basically almost half over already (Bangs gavel) sustained. Overruled. Fuck you, summer weirdos* *sorry, sorry about that, you’re lovely people

You have to lie to your dog about squirrels. “Good job! You’ll get him next time!” It’s really easy, even the smart ones eat that shit up.

Bickering with people on Threads kind of feels like going to the starting area of an RPG after hitting your level cap

I hate to brag, but the dog made a poop so perfect it looked like the fake ones they make out of plastic. we’re looking into gifted programs.

the restaurant is preparing your order. your dasher is heading to the store. they are getting ready to kiss about it.

we were at an Eddie Vedder concert, and his ppl backstage got a text from the Obama campaign that they'd won reelection, and he ran across the stage, hugged my wife, then hugged me, then hugged zero other people. we still do not know why I don't know how to number this

no way to know, but we're thinking Perla's first 8yrs before we met her were with a woman owner who maybe died. so she looks at Liz like "ok, you're the person I should worry about" and at me like "not sure why you're here all the time but you can worry about her with me if you want I guess"

not sure what I’m supposed to get out of these ducks being in a row like this, but I talked them into it, now what

certain old movies, you can just tell the set didn’t smell great

Wow You Can Really Handle Your Shit, Charlie Brown

I love unions. they're not always perfect of course, but they generally infuriate all the right people.

die you tit lovin' bitch

office manager goofing off under the desk again

Sit Down and Relax this Autumn with the sound of 6 or 7 Workmen all Talking Quite Loudly and Getting Dangerously Close to Saying Something You Really Disagree with. This Twelve Part CD will-

they should just use all the many, many wooly mammoths that they've definitely cloned and didn't just fail at

hello. I am displeased. this displeased me. I would like to be undispleased please.

this is too much work. TOO MUCH WORK

if anybody invents any more kinds of milk, just don't tell me about it, ok? even if it’s great

I love when trump has to ask the crowd if they remember the bit he’s calling back and they give this wobbly cheer like SURE BASICALLY JUST GO WITH IT