J. Elvis Weinstein

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

Obama only has a couple more opportunities to wear his Nobel prize on a thick chain to a campaign event.

Obama only has a couple more opportunities to wear his Nobel prize on a thick chain to a campaign event.

He saved a lot of money.

If only Truth Social had the character limitations of its users.

If only Truth Social had the character limitations of its users.

He saved a lot of money.

Just got a Facetime from my very excited, champagne drinking friends in Brazil. They're stunned.

We hate cars so much in L.A. that you can almost get to the airport by train in 2026.

He claims he lost himself in the music and the moment.

He claims he lost himself in the music and the moment.

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It's late in the cycle to be buying green MAGA hats. They'll never ripen by election day.

My big problem with AirBnB is that none of them have quarter activated vibrating beds. How else am I supposed to relax?

Maybe I'm sexist, but the word I was most shocked by in this headline was "she."

It's hard to stand out as an asshole in this sphincter dense landscape, but Tom Emmer always manages to shine.

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Come Together in My Pants

It's late in the cycle to be buying green MAGA hats. They'll never ripen by election day.

They should keep a picture of John Husted's ass in front of him to keep him alert.

Polls show that only 75% of Republicans are now OK with Trump shooting someone in the head on 5th Ave.

They should keep a picture of John Husted's ass in front of him to keep him alert.

I have trimmed trees and clean gutters in advance of coming rains. I have a rare pro-activity buzz.

You can't be a front man if you talk over the solo.

Polls show that only 75% of Republicans are now OK with Trump shooting someone in the head on 5th Ave.

Foster Brooks is in charge of ICE

He used to say the same thing when Barron broke something in the house.

He used to say the same thing when Barron broke something in the house.

Foster Brooks is in charge of ICE

Always nice to see people reach their tipping point with Malcolm Gladwell.

Always nice to see people reach their tipping point with Malcolm Gladwell.

Be careful not to shoot Homer Simpson.

After getting trimming estimates, I've come to the conclusion that I can't afford to have trees anymore. I'm going to drop them all off at the shelter.

Musk has finally built a car that does what 4 year olds pretend cars can do.

After getting trimming estimates, I've come to the conclusion that I can't afford to have trees anymore. I'm going to drop them all off at the shelter.

Musk has finally built a car that does what 4 year olds pretend cars can do.

I always have to remind myself that Seven Nation Army is not the Tomahawk Chop and that I shouldn't be annoyed by it.

Airfares, rental cars, and hotels are so expensive right now that an induced coma has become a competitively priced vacation option.

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Now he just needs his frog in a bowl of water.

Airfares, rental cars, and hotels are so expensive right now that an induced coma has become a competitively priced vacation option.

I think AI already cured cancer and isn't telling us.

Instead of health insurance, I just place a monthly Kalshi bet that I'll get a major illness.

Instead of health insurance, I just place a monthly Kalshi bet that I'll get a major illness.

Back in ‘22 in Minneapolis I had the pleasure of opening for Ird Al Yanko. I did half an hour. Oct 7 thru 10 I’ll be at the Acme Comedy Company doing an hour. It’ll feel strange talking twice as slowly.

I'm certain Pete Hegseth has at least brought up the idea of him joining the firing squad.

I'm picturing Dan Quayle retweeting this with an eye roll emoji.

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This guy has a poster of Stephen Miller in his bedroom.