Amy Schneider

Oh come on, its existence is clearly predicted in the Standard Breakfast Model! I guess they’re waiting until we get more data from the Large Ham Collider

Literally nobody can trust Donald Trump, not in the entire world. More importantly, every single person, without exception, *everyone* who was even tangentially involved in conceiving, crafting, approving, or posting this headline, they all knew, without a doubt, that he can’t be trusted. And yet.

I defy you to explain what you mean by “formidable.”

Listen I don’t care how many people switch bodies in this one, they still have the first two to explain to them why it isn’t as freaky as they might think at first

Freakier Friday? Terrible title. The same thing happened to them once before, which makes this Friday inherently less freaky than the first one

This guy put everything into following his dream of becoming an opera singer, *succeeded* at it, and his obituary wound up being “He was a mediocre tenor who one time accidentally stabbed his cast mate”

“There are crazy people out there, confused young men who want to pretend to be women so they can get an unfair advantage at volleyball!” 😱 “There are crazy people out there, confused young men who want to buy guns so they can murder anyone they see as a threat!” 🤷‍♂️

Life as a creative professional: Q: So, what do you do for a living? A: Well, basically, I try to monetize my thoughts Q: What thoughts? A: Oh, thoughts like “Our society is a nightmarish dystopia in which everyone’s thoughts are monetized.” Q: Oh. Hmm. I see. A: Yup

I was really hoping this obituary would reference The Hudsucker Proxy

Being famous is so weird. Like, in a certain sense, this is an obituary for one of my professional peers

And to take it a step further, the thing that’s really wild about it is that I found out about it from someone else! Like, the constructor didn’t notify me in advance*, any more than they would have notified, like, [Brian ENO] or whoever! *(Presumably, but I have many unread notifications)

This is correct. Any candidate cynically “triangulating” on trans kids is a non-starter, and now is the time to say so. There’s still so much time to advance candidates that DON’T suck.

Seeing my name in a crossword puzzle is one of those things that occasionally reminds me that, oh yeah, my life has gone down a *wildly* unexpected path

Speaking on behalf of Ohio: please don’t

Tonight was the first time I got to sit down and watch former Dayton Flyer Obi Toppin play a key role on an NBA Finals team, it felt great. Not as great as it felt when I watched him win the 2020 NCAA tournament for UD over in the Good Timeline, but still pretty great

If there isn’t a sign over the toilet asking you not to flush anything besides toilet paper because they have old plumbing, are you even really at a bar?

I feel like this ModCloth dress is asking me to go to couples therapy

World’s Two Most Self-Centered People Have Difficulty Cooperating

I just hope I can ever feel as cheerful and confident as the guy that says “Stand clear of the closing doors, please” on the New York City subway

When I feel like our society is irretrievably divided, I remind myself how we all came together, with one united voice, irrespective of our personal or political differences, to denounce the last season of Game of Thrones

Watching Top Chef. My main takeaway this week is I hope I never have to take criticism from a Quebecois woman

Look, I know it’s controversial, but I’m just going to come out and say it: in the first sentence of The Metamorphosis, “Ungeziefer” should be translated as “bug,” and I honestly don’t understand why it’s ever been translated differently

Habemus felem

Again: the NBA Playoffs are, actually, literally, the best.

In spring 2020, I remember looking around a Zoom meeting and realizing the women were gone. They were busy filling in gaps left by school closures and cancellations of non-emergency medical services. A lot of the male-only conversations happening then brought us to our current misogynistic crisis.

If the NBA wants to create a new type of foul for “Being Named ‘Draymond Green’ Near Some Kind of Altercation” then they are free to propose that to the Rules Committee during the offseason

I think a thing we don’t talk about enough is how Beyoncé played the female lead in the third Austin Powers movie and we all felt like that was a perfectly reasonable career move for everyone involved

Oh so I guess we fought the whole American Revolution for NO REASON smh

Supreme Court Overturns US Constitution “We Don’t Really Like It,” Justices Explain

Global Stock Markets Plummet As Investors Realize Their Plan Worked Perfectly

Elites: *systematically destroy all barriers to Trump doing whatever he wants* Trump: *does whatever he wants* Elites: Oh, shit, wait

I promise you, that’s not my issue

Remember when Steph put up 54 at MSG that first time? Barely, right? Because that was *2013.* Back then, you probably didn’t think about Donald Trump more than once or twice a year, that’s how long ago it was. And yet also: He dropped 52 points tonight. Tonight. I mean…

John Wayne Gacy Says the Clown Brand Is ‘Toxic’

Breaking: Trump Strangles Infant To Death On Live TV; Cites Novel Constitutional Theories in Support of His Action

<analysis> Does the Constitution Allow Presidents to Declare Themselves Dictator? Experts Disagree

Trump Declares Himself Dictator <subhed> Trump-appointed Officials: ‘Trump Is Our Dictator Now’

Trump Makes Various Noises With His Mouth

Oppugn? OPPUGN?!?! What are we even doing here, Spelling Bee?

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Just started watching Severance for the first time. I’m trying to keep an open mind, but on the other hand, I’ve already seen Being John Malkovich so I’m skeptical there’s anything much new for me to get out of it