Jill Twiss

Jill Twiss

@jilltwiss.bsky.social

Comedy writer. "Have I Got News For You", "Last Week Tonight", "The Amber Ruffin Show." Author of "A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" and "The Someone New." Friend to several penguins.

26.5K followers886 following4.8K posts

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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

My body is not cut out to be this furious all the time. I am built for naming dogs Doctor Reginald Pancakes and telling people about the time two bees stung me while I was on the toilet

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

my best guess is someone told him this the way you tell toddlers that Mr. Pancakes went to a farm upstate where he can play with all the other dogs

Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com

Trump says “we own Greenland” for eternity

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

I hope Cheesecake Factory comes out with a statement like "We must clarify we did NOT allow Saddam Hussein to design our chandeliers and he had virtually no input into our menu" and then we can ride this through Monday

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

I think…me. I used to not even be able to WALK or TALK. now I am a whiz at borh

Michael Druker 🇨🇦@mdruker.app

Social media loves talking about how everything is getting worse. But what’s something that you’ve seen get _better_ in your lifetime?

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

wait i know this is not the point at all, but don't...most people have the same last name and their brother? And that is usually not considered evidence of marrying said brother?

Ilhan Omar@ilhanmn.bsky.social

The pedophile protection party’s president is laundering right-wing conspiracy theories through the most corrupt DOJ in American history. Whenever the news turns bad, this creep reaches for one name: mine. So let’s make it crystal clear. My name has always been Ilhan Omar.

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

This feels like enough of an excuse to remind people that Bobby Jindal did an exorcism on his college friend who had just been diagnosed with cancer

Marisa Kabas@marisakabas.bsky.social

SCOOP: 'Tommy' from the now-viral exchange with Abdul El-Sayed is Thomas Teepell, a former staffer for Republican Senator Josh Hawley with close ties to Christian Nationalist Sean Feucht. He's the son of a former Bobby Jindal staffer whose consultant work was instrumental in getting Hawley elected.

thehandbasket.co'Tommy' from viral El-Sayed video is former Sen. Hawley staffer with Christian nationalist tiesThomas Teepell is the son of a former long-time Bobby Jindal staffer who's close to Sean Feucht.

Jill Twiss reposted

Josh Gondelman
@joshgondelman.bsky.social

We had fun! :)

HIGNFY US@hignfyus.bsky.social

TONIGHT! Gen-Z Commentator @adammockler.com & Comedian @joshgondelman.bsky.social join the panel at 9pm ET/PT on CNN. Available to stream next day on CNN!

Jill Twiss reposted

Michael Ian Black
@michaelianblack.bsky.social

Can confirm Josh is extremely stupid on tomorrow's Have I Got News For You.

Josh Gondelman@joshgondelman.bsky.social

Not to brag, but I made several of the stupidest jokes of my life this evening, and you can probably see some of them on tv tomorrow night.

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

i guess the bright side is...this means someday he plans to leave office?

Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com

Trump suggests he is going to pardon everyone, including himself: "I'm allowed to do a self-pardon ... I don't want to see people that work for me go through years of nonsense"

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

I don't have a lot of experience with guns, but i do feel like one rule might be "You should know what you're shooting at"

The Washington Post@washingtonpost.com

Breaking news: ICE didn’t know a 5-year-old boy was in the car when an officer fired on Oscar Belgal, a Dominican man in New York, Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin said.

washingtonpost.comMullin says ICE didn’t know 5-year-old boy was in car when officer firedFederal authorities said Oscar Belgal used his car to ram government vehicles and endanger officers.
Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

one thing about rich people is they never have any money

The Daily Beast@thedailybeast.bsky.social

The U.S. ambassador to Greece was reportedly busted begging a MAGA donor to pay a $100,000 American Express bill without leaving a paper trail. https://www.thedailybeast.com/kimberly-guilfoyles-demand-for-cash-off-the-books-exposed?utm_source=bsky_owned_snd&utm_medium=bsky&utm_campaign=owned_social

thedailybeast.comKimberly Guilfoyle’s Demand for Cash Off the Books ExposedThe U.S. ambassador to Greece has been busted begging for $100,000, a new report claims.
Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

i think ideally some kind of Truck Limbo

KYW Newsradio on 103.9 FM@kywnewsradio.bsky.social

High school students in Pennsylvania are being invited to submit ideas on how to keep trucks and large vehicles from striking bridges. www.audacy.com/kywnewsradio...

audacy.comPennDOT turns to high schoolers for ways to prevent large vehicles from striking bridgesWhen Pennsylvania's low-clearance bridges were built decades ago, commercial trucks were smaller. But today's larger vehicles often ram into those bridges. | KYW Newsradio
Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

his answer is essentially, "no no no, not PEOPLE. Just women."

Marty Lederman@martylederman.bsky.social

Samuel Alito: We won't overturn Obergefell because it's engendered reliance interests. Jan Crawford: Well, many people had organized their lives around Roe v. Wade. Alito: No, they didn't. Women merely had an "abstract" interest in "ideas about the kind of society that they were going to live in."

cbsnews.comThe Alito Court: A rare interview with the influential Supreme Court justiceJustice Samuel Alito discussed his opinion in the Dobbs decision overturning Roe v. Wade, the leaked draft and its aftermath, same-sex marriage rights and why he's not retiring yet.
Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

this doesn't feel unrelated to the Cornell thing

Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com

Hegseth: "It's worth saying again so the fake news understands it. We are no longer the woke department or the weak department. Simple translation of that -- no fatties no trannies no beardos no weirdos no wimps no radicals. Just warriors."

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

A thing about artists that's hard to understand if you don't know them is that they will make the art whether anyone sees it or not. But a thing about people is that they will want to see good art because it connects them to the person who made it

Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social

i feel like this gets proven every three years or so. am i crazy?

CNN@cnn.com

After spending years reconstructing DNA fragments, scientists have revealed the most compelling evidence to date that Thomas Jefferson fathered children with Sally Hemings, an enslaved woman in his household – a relationship that has been long rumored but never proven. https://cnn.it/46Rl7N0