Joseph Bradford

In The Office, Andy dated a kid. This is a reference to him graduating from Cornell University.

How many grams of protein will it take to restore the light in my eyes?

I ran into somebody yesterday who claimed to be a member of a board game polycule, and I have some very specific questions.

There are people who treat media not as a work of art but as a series of check boxes, and they are absolutely infuriating.

Vacations to Hawaii are fantastic. I highly recommend them. Hopefully my body readjusts soon though. Jet lag is absolutely kicking my ass right now

There's literally nobody better to head a committee on women's health than RFK Jr. Why would you think anything else? That's crazy.

Today I learned that the LA airport isn't operating 24/7 throughout the building. I honestly thought it never actually shut down, but this terminal is completely dead, except for Deborah and I (long story) and the custodial staff

Just a sleepy guy on the beach. Unbothered. Living his best life

I don't want to tell you how to do your job, DJ of the local oldies station, but if you're going to play "Purple Rain" by Prince and you cut the guitar solo, you're doing it wrong!

Trump voters will usher in fascism to avoid socialism because they don't know the definition of either.

"Socially liberal, fiscally conservative" simply means that you don't want the gay to die because they're gay. You want them to die because they're homeless.

Fuck ICE.

I don't need an alarm clock. My anger wakes me up

Girls love it when you tell them that you killed them. You killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women and the children too. They're like animals, and you slaughtered them like animals. This is an original thought and definitely not said in a movie.

I know a whole bunch of dads who talk real tough about what they'd do if they came across a child predator, but when one did they ended up voting for him three times.

My current head cannon is that the movie "Howard the Duck" changed FBI hiring policy.

If I ever find myself on the opposite side of an issue as Ms. Rachel, I will immediately reevaluate my life.

So I don't know how to boycott Ed Sheeran more than I already am, but I guess I have to find a way.

Rough week to tell people that your application to join the FBI finally went through.

If you could go back in time and tell little kid me that in the future Hasbro is going to issue an official statement that says that Optimus Prime can't work for the government, I would have thought you were insane.

Congrats to Charlie Kirk for not being a bigot for an entire year! Also, future generations are not going to have any idea what he actually looked like.

I regret nothing

even now, she's still teaching us

Yeah...

How did AI even hallucinate this?

Somebody mentioned that the night before a day off is better than the actual day off, and I think he might have been correct.

I find it amusing that it's canon that Spider-Man can tell if you include the hyphen when you say his name.

We went to a sit-down restaurant just now. The manager had the Arby's logo tattooed on his arm. I can't help but wonder what headspace I would have to be in to do that.

Billionaires with a good heart like Bruce Wayne can only exist in fiction.

Me: "I'm going to watch this video about why Roblox is terrible and should be avoided entirely." The ads that play during the video: "Roblox is great and you should be playing it now!" Come on, man. Read the damn room!

I was off all last week. It was wonderful and I highly recommend it. But my scalp got a little sunburntGuys, that's not dandruff. I just want to make sure that's clear.

Very few things are as cringe as attempting some dirty humor and failing at it.

A local bookstore has placed "Atlas Shrugged" in the fantasy section. Which, yeah, I'm okay with that

There's a band out there called "Trombone Shorty." I know nothing about them, but I approve based on that alone.

Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…