John Heap

Two brilliant, thematic exhibitions in one museum #dhm #berlin. Great things happen when you assume that people want to be surprised and engaged by the past!

#dogsattheeclipse

Mums everywhere saying "Yes, we do have a colander" #eclipse

There's a lot of terrible short stories taking shape right now #eclipse

"After the hydration break." Going to use that in meetings.

Busy week for people in air-conditioned offices telling everyone else to get on with it.

'If Britain and France had paid Germany £300 billion in 1919 then the Second World War might not have happened.' Discuss.

Actually, I've got a train to catch

Just been asked for permission for school to use AI to generate images based on my son's creative writing. Just get it to write the story too why not.

They've even tried booking him into the hotel where Reagan got shot

The eBook of Castle is only 99p right now. Repost this for a chance to win a signed copy of the original hardback edition. www.kobo.com/gb/en/ebook/...

HAROLD: A big day for world peace! Normandy wants it to happen, they've had enough!

If I'm going to commemorate anyone it would be all the people who didn't want to be crucified by the Romans rather than the one who volunteered for it.

I won't be getting any work done. There's just too much 1 April hilarity to cope with. This should be a national holiday.

Amazon are partnering with Comic Relief to sell their red noses. Last year Comic Relief raised £34 million which is how much Jeff Bezos makes in six hours. Dig deep everyone.

When you're busy doing the washing up and get asked for your opinions on the Six Nations

Walking past a closed down Brewdog is a pleasant reminder that evil doesn't always triumph

Listening to endless announcements in the "quiet carriage"

My dishwasher has the comedy timing of Ronnie Barker

So you can now be sent off for denying the opportunity to score a goal that was scored. Well done to the footballing authorities.

Just pleased I don't have to teach checks and balances in the US constitution these days

I'm a man who gets told to f*** off quite a lot. Today was the first time it happened while I was wearing a Santa hat.

The festive season only starts when you've been let down by Ocado.

The Prevent section of WHSmith

Never about the kids is it, Telegraph. Just the numbers.

"You know you can order from your table now with the QR code" "Yes, I do but it is never going to happen"

As someone with knowledge and experience of setting #gcse grade boundaries is it safe to turn on the radio again?

Open Day at Cambridge yesterday: the half marathon of open days.

This will annoy the people on X who were so passionate about the right to kill people with their cars.

At the front, next to Rudolph and all of the other Reijnders

The best bit of this game so far was the twenty minutes I spent trying to register for Discovery+ #europaleaguefinal

I'd hope they won't find as many chain-free buyers too stupid to use Rightmove round here.

So, #Biffa employees trying their best to drive the Cetti's Warblers away from their nest in the River Park. If you try hard you can put a strimmer right through it. Fucking idiots. #portsunlight

Someone on my estate Facebook group has just demanded that it become 'a true platform for freedom of speech.'

They've managed to frame an article to make it sound like parents value the current EHCP system which, for many, is a long and laborious route to basic support. It is clearly a system that should only be used to assign significant support in a specialist setting. inews.co.uk/news/250000-...

A trade deal and a new Pope. Too much excitement for one day.

You're all getting excited about #swifts because you haven't just watched a pair of whitethroats flirting #portsunlight river park.

Skylark over the house (sound up). They're not as numerous as during COVID (thanks, crap dog owners) but they're having a decent spring so far (fingers crossed).

First sighting this spring of the Cetti's Warbler at the Port Sunlight River Park yesterday...but this morning a Sedge Warbler too! Not bad for an old landfill site

Can anyone recommend a camera with a faster shutter speed?

To remember the suffering of our Lord I'm driving three hours to Brunton Park to watch Carlisle v Port Vale. Except in this version, I'm hoping Jesus kicks the s*** out of a legionary and doesn't get crucified.

We're so close to our £1000 target to start funding the tools and equipment we need for our new #tree nursery. Donations and shares gratefully received. Many thanks. @envleeds.bsky.social @leedsleaf.bsky.social @domspracklen.bsky.social gofund.me/ddccc2ea

The 'when did America become so cruel?' discourse is boiling my historian piss today.

Autism parenting tip: don't arrive at a bookshop 15 minutes before it opens

I guarantee the winner will end up the worst-dressed person you've ever seen.

Thanks to tariffs on the Farne Islands they've got no choice but to relocate again to Wisconsin. www.countryfile.com/wildlife/bir...

Now I'm angry about my trade deficit with all the charity shops I've given books to over the years. They've treated me very badly.

When you didn't think you could get more excited about a forthcoming book but you just did. An author and illustrator immersed in landscapes. Can't wait.

What people forget about Top Gun is that Ice Man was the actual winner of the Top Gun Trophy while Maverick was busy doing sad face.

"AI paint this but replace John Lewis down from heaven with Strom Thurmond looking up from hell"