jonk

Please, step into my office.

How it feels to play The Legendary Starfy on your Nintendo DS Lite

[Football game overlayed with a graphic of a guy holding his stomach and moaning at the bottom of the screen] [Chris Collinsworth] and after the game be sure to tune in for a hot new episode of Toilet Fillers: America's got Dumps.

I’m thinking about springing for a cheeky yogurt from this place called my fridge for breakfast

My uncle got a Purple Heart on jeopardy

Getting a question wrong on jeopardy would be so embarrassing and then you just have to wait as the anvil falls on you

I’d love to be on jeopardy but I’m so scared of getting killed

Ken Jennings just pulled a contestants heart out on jeopardy during the daily double

They just dropped a guy through a trapdoor in jeopardy Ken Jennings pulled the lever

How did they know George was going to have a W bush

Venti oat latte - - oat milk - - latte + + sneeze

(Gripping my bottom) where’s the restroom

Need to be crushed by a falling piano and then my teeth are piano keys when I stick my head out

📞🙂: 911, what’s your emergency? 👨‍🦲: yup i was drivin around and i smell a gas leak 📞😳: Oh no! What is the location? 👨‍🦲: well seems to me like it’s coming from the driver’s seat 📞😩: Ahhh you got us! 👨‍🦲: yup you got owned 📞🙂: alright have a good day 👨‍🦲: yup alright you too bye now

So embarrassing when you get to the bathroom and all the stalls are taken. Am I really the slowest shitter in this whole building

Fantasy football will have people saying stuff like Penice Bungler has failed me

Me: And this dew, it’s from the mountains of the Baja Oblast? Taco Bell employee: ya

Me: alright guys, time to put together our playlist for our roommate roadtrip. What should we put on? Contemporary Carl: How about pop music? Hardcore Harold: Rock-n-roll!! 🤘 My chanting roommate Gregory: perchance some Gregorian chants?

Me and who

They call it October because it’s the eighth ber

Roasting an amoeba for brunch

Me: bro you better not be marking the spot right now Bro: 🙅

I don’t think i get this trilogy

Starting a professional cleaning service where I come to your house and throw a tarp over anything icky

Shy Guy’s big brother, Brave Guy, just did something extremely heroic

They call him donkey Kong due to how he donks eyou on your kong

We’re having Toad from Mario for dinner tonight

Them: you better not rile up the cat at the function! Me: of course, don’t worry Me (after one beer):

I had a dream I took a really cool picture of a tree

(Looking at crimini mushrooms) sorry… do you have any innocent ones?

Fuck I have to delve into the dungeon this weekend.. I hate the monsters but the bassoonist is so good…

Scary things coming up this Halloween #watchout

I’m getting ready to ult

The famous Mario brother, Mario just cut me off in traffic

They say a hippo can crush you with their jaws. But did you know they can also crush you with the rest of their body

Is bro emeting⁉️

Doc: take this antiemetic Patient: what’ll it do? Doc: stop you from emeting

Michael H. Mouse

I peeped my pants

Just pulled myself off by my bootstraps

I’m actually allowed to drive that fast due to my gumption your honor

I had my gumption removed in a childhood surgery

Doc said I had too much gumption he’s gonna drain out some of my blood and see what happens

Just running to the store to get some gumption do you need anything?