mark magark

Lmao

In an alternate universe Tom Hanks is Hank Toms and he's not America's Dad, he's our son

What if you get to Heaven and God is like “Aaaah, a ghost!!”

“You aren’t in traffic, you ARE the traffic.” Nuh-uh. Not me. I’m different. Better. Other drivers want me here

[watching a show about a spy] oh this motherfucker’s got ulterior-ass motives

[to the tune of I love rock and roll] I hate all my clothes

Dolly Parton taught me it was ok to be universally beloved

(Showing the barber a picture of me & him skipping hand-in-hand through a tulip field) Can I get something like this

Do you ever hear a priest sing the Eucharistic prayer and be like “damn this mfer got pipes”

I do not wish to think of Ed Sheeran as a sexual being

Oh sorry buddy I didn’t know this bathroom was occupied

What’s the name of the chemical they pump through the air at Home Depot to make you think you need 16 more items

Damn, guitar is out of tune again. Can't believe how often you have to buy a new one of these

Why didn’t the Trojan horse include a penis. Huge tactical oversight. Coulda fit way more dudes in that horse’s dick

I am not boiling lettuce I'd rather explode with diarrhea

Always the ice tray refiller, never the ice cube enjoyer 😤

From the platform, I catch the train conductor's eye. I smile and wink. He smiles. The train horn blows. It's obvious what's happening. He wants me to jump onto the track so he can smush me.

How can you ask me to set the printer up when you KNOW I'm having spaghetti time

Me: [touches grass] Grass: Security

America keeps trying to get me to go to her birthday party and I’m like no girl u need to go to the hospital

Car Horn Honk Scale < 1 second =This saint deserves no inconvenience. Jail for their wrong-doer! 1-2 seconds = Purely human. We all struggle, baby. 3-5 seconds = God’s wrath is present. This driver is having a terrible day. > 5 seconds = The Antichrist. The architect of all evil is a-honkin’.

Not to brag but I'm capable of looking at the extended weather forecast and holding the details in my head for up to 12 seconds

Wife: It's too hot, I simply cannot wear a bra today Me (cis-male but an ally): [gritting teeth] Then I will

I am loved 🥰

[handing my credit card to the kid behind the ice cream bar] keep it open

[Wild West] What'd you say to me, pardner? *spits on the ground* Why, you ain't nothing but a

Love watching the game in New York. Strangers shouting “Oh no you don’t, big boy” every time Wemby shoots

1. It makes you feel cool as hell

Sheep Detectives? What's next, Ostrich Accountants? I hope not. I don't want to live in this world.

[clearly not wearing earbuds] sorry I can’t hear you I’m wearing earbuds

Once in a while, we should drink the blood of the ruling class. Not because we want to ingest the DNA that makes them successful, but because it’s important that they see us as bloodthirsty little freaks

Nothing says “don’t worry, this public bathroom is sanitary” like a dim red light

If you see THIS post it means I have died because you did not bring me 12 ice cream cones in my time of need. For shame

if you see this please bring me 12 ice cream cones immediately

Got his ass apple.news/AT5bUkdWvTIu...

They named a moving company after what I shout at the height of ecstasy

I’m a Pangea nostalgist. Put it back together

(explaining war to a conservative in a way that they might understand) bombing a country is kind of like changing their cracker barrel logo

doctor: your blood glucose is over 800 cookie monster: is that bad doctor: sir it's deadly Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie

Tonight I am making space to be grateful for all the nights I DIDN’T find a centipede in my bed

mom come get me the world is being callous toward my tender heart

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed. Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

[painstakingly transferring my bodily waste to the sink]

If an evil mastermind asked me to do their bidding I’d probably do it, I just like being helpful

Yeah I'm making a BLT... a Bird-Like Tweedle! I'm whistling baby

@amfmpm.bsky.social hey man any chance we can get some heathcliff and Cathy shirts to wear to the movie?

Highlighting the speaker who stood in front of the Surprise mayor and told him to consider what the Mayor of Ohrdruf must’ve thought before he died by suicide: “He might have thought ‘how is this my fault I had no jurisdiction over this’ maybe he said ‘this site was not subject to local zoning.’”

Sometimes it’s hard to accept that a person is bad because they are so beautiful on the outside