Ygrene

me: (talking out loud while i write in my diary) today was ok, i just wish i could have eaten more breadsticks waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

all i did was simply *read* the Costco Holiday Savings flyer and it somehow cost $247

they should invent a peanut butter jar that doesn’t get peanut butter on the knife handle

Maybe stop bitching about your own little problems for a second and help me find out where my wife hid the goddamn Halloween candy.

[wearing a reply proof vest] time to do a post

*puts on reading glasses* time to post

[i come crashing through the ceiling tiles] it’s time to post

perfect, no notes

medically induced comb over

ME: the existence of spare ribs implies the existence of strike ribs and gutter ball ribs WAITER: well we don’t have those

wife: i could use a small break from you me: i understand and that’s fine but when do i get a small break from me

It's National Lie Down For A Bit Day

Sorry to respond to a meme, but this is in part a local news issue. Nobody's covering zoning board and city council meetings until it's way too late. Obviously, government capture by rich guys and corrupt local officials is the main reason, but the prophylactic is local news.

sometimes, if they’ve been good, i’ll let the groceries ride up in the front of the car with me

yub a nub nub, three ewoks in a tub

oh you want a functioning economy? in THIS economy?? ?

Just walked in on my pants wearing another pair of pants

audiophiles are like i came as soon as i heard

getting "high"??? maybe you should try getting "hi", as in saying "hi" and "hello" to the people on your neighborhood!

it's called gossip maybe you've overheard of it

not “emptying the dishwasher” but instead completing my responsibilities as Senior Director of Kitchenware Relocation

[entering a Five Guys] what the heck there's like six- *sees another guy* -THERE'S LIKE SEVEN GUYS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

it's called getting the worm early maybe you've bird of it

me: phone, show me something good phone: no

Keep Trying #art

you know you were thinking it

Microwaving a protein bar and pretending like I asked the spaceship for a ration

whenever i have lost eighty billion dollars i usually have gotten in a lot of trouble

real grown ups don’t waste their precious time playing video games. they spend all day posting online

while you were dieting, i studied the blade

greetings weary traveler, please take this small blessing before you depart: may your fast food orders always be fresh and never heat lamped

[verbalizing my goals for motivational purposes] hope i don’t get murdered today