Meaty Mike

trying to figure out who moschino's target customer is, so far the closest I've come is "cartoon bank robber's ex wife"

and that it did this to an army veteran smgdh

how to die: say "I need a beer" then go to the fridge and retrieve a grenade. pull the pin out with your teeth and sigh "mmm, refreshing"

I'm having dreams all over my bed and the party raging outside my room has entered the slow jams/failed initiation of chants phase

I love when you expand any thread about masculinity and some elijah-wood-with-uncanny-valley-disease fucker is in there getting Mad

I want the cover of my next book to be me struggling to eat a very elaborate ice cream cone

reminder that if there are 2 things, 1 of them isn't necessarily bad and the other good. they're actually both bad. everything's bad. eyooo

the best revenge would be reincarnating as a cute pup and never letting jerks rub your belly

Sabrina the frog

what do they do with all the cool cusses that they edit out of TV? they throw them into the alley behind the studio, and then I eat them

"someone's been hijackin the 'net, big time"

do you like my new calculator *lengthy pause* do you *steps closer* it's a casio

CHEESE • ingredients: frustrated milk

D O N O T

I use a pokemon avatar don't let me make you feel stuff

PEOPLE HAVE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO TICKLE ME THROUGH THE INTERNET AND IT IS THE WORST

there are eight people whose first impression of me was "naked in a river" and I'm mad that's not everyone's first impression of me

a man? playing basketball? well now i've seen everything

I just remembered this fact and have been laughing about it for several minutes in my empty apartment

I invented calling a person "a jack's ass" on our 27 hour drive and now I cannot stop

the state's attorney, who is running uncontested, is named "Goodenough"

currently playing a game where I let my arm fall asleep so I can use my fist as a wrecking ball

the easiest thing the government could do to make everyone feel better and have better lives is to stop changing the time twice a year. so the fact that we can't even get that should tell you something

all any modern woman really wants is someone who will describe her thought bubbles as "voluptuous"

in defense of the word "poetess": makes you sound like you have a velvet mane and a hot sword

state farm commercials lied to me. filing a claim is NOT that sexy and their hold music was composed by a drunk forest

if you wash your bras regularly you’re a cop

you guys failed to mention that beto looks like he’s being forced to eat that morning ice cream at gunpoint. who the hell chose that photo

compress the supreme court

death hack: if you explode really quickly and completely you won't have a body to be dead inside of. damn girl

this is $425 worth of damage. love to be alive

the cyclist and I are both okay, don’t worry. suddenly having an entire person fly into me was not super pleasant though

Special instructions: please come into my room and kneel by my side and gently drape the pizza over my face such that I suffocate

every time mongkol favs your selfie an angel gets its copy of speed (1994)

q: why aren't you as funny as you used to be? a: [I stare at you. I keep staring at you. I never stop staring at you]

everyone at the post office with me seems like they are only possible within the post office

I invented my own circulatory system without even trying but I can't finish this poem

Cops don't know how anything works

I think I shaved my legs in a fugue state

I really enjoyed doing this interview with Frances Haugen about how leaking to journalists works and why sources get caught, why Meta continues to he a disaster, and what it’s like to see yourself dramatized in a movie: youtu.be/oB3IxwCfP7M?...

I'm the stupidest luckiest thing

brian everyone likes my poem about brendan frasier but you. brian fuck you you're my least favorite cousin

dude in the car next to me is slapping his dashboard in rage because like sixty geese are slowly walking across the street in front of us

I think they named him john doggett because it sounds like a very polite cuss and that's exactly how he acts

I am related to guy fawkes and I'm really sorry

GTA 6 overshadowed as most controversial game of the year by the upcoming release of my game, Gaslight: The Infidelity Simulator

The Consequences Of Dating Someone More Googleable Than You Are

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