Malice in Wonderland

I kicked sisyphus in the balls from behind but my plan didn't factor in him dropping the ball and having it roll down the hill after me like a scene right out of indiana jones

Halloween season is here, and it's never too early for parents to start inspecting the candy their children consume. Be sure to look for the telltale signs that their treats may have been tampered with:

nice daisy! oopsie?

Took a photo of my new horrible son with a 1940s grain filter and his small baby arm started going up at a concerning angle so I had to hit him with a broom

I kill mannequins for their chitinous exterior

One time I ate a bug. It was a very large one, and it squirmed a lot. I can only imagine how scared it was as my giant, handsome molars came crushing down on its chitinous exterior. hehe *chuckles* that is, if bugs could feel fear

I think that trucks should say “excuse me” after ripping those billowing coal farts that obscure my vision and taint my cabin air filter

Perfectly parrying one blade only to be impaled by another I never saw coming

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I’ve been rawdogging no caffeine in the mornings and lemme tell you it’s been an experience

Some sort of augmentation to my attack or defense would significantly increase my effectiveness in battle… not that I need it

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

(◡‿◡✿)

i think it’s okay to be a little evil as long as you have whimsy in your heart and a twinkle in your eye

[Daily affirmation] My skull is the perfect shape for above-average intelligence... my four humors are perfectly balanced... I need not the remedies of the apothecary... my dreams signify the gods guiding me toward longevity...

My rhinoceros talisman is vibrating auspiciously

『 CAREFREE SEA BREEZE 🌊🏝️✨ 』 ─ ✧˖° commission for @foxytosin.com

Here’s that thing you needed. unfortunately it cost the sweat off my back, hair on my nuts, skin from my teeth and whatever additional idiom I can scrounge up to prepare you for this bill. *heaves up briefcase that slams onto the table like dropping lead* That’s just the one invoice in there btw

*me just finding out about umami and trying to impress someone* yeah that shit is sooo umami. it’s got the notes of it. You know, the umami notes. *takes a swig of soda* wow that was so umami

Enchanting a wondrous ham

I have officially decided that my tummy hurts way too often and that I would like it to stop

Once again I have been sealed in an impenetrable orb

pronouncing NTSC as "nutsack"

One time I was imbued with great power

Googling what to do when winged skeleton creatures are nesting in your garage

Geralt regularly mind controls his horse every time it has an anxiety attack

Every person involved with the discourse every week is a new name to me

im at the skellige portion of witcher 3 which is what I consider the “fucking finally now’s when it gets good” section

Some sort of average sized peninsula is where I reside

I can’t stop eating help. i am going to explode