phil

i love when recipes say "Do not overcook." like they saw me thinkin about it

did you know the guy from boss baby used to play a regular adult in a sitcom called Thirty Rocks? guess he got his start as a comedian

"you have unsubscribed. please allow 7 to 10 business days to--" no. if i receive another email i will be hiring mercenaries about it

i saw a sign in a bagel shop

it’s that time of year

calling monsters “creatures of the night” sounds like going outside after 6 pm is evil. i’m not a dracula because i'm enjoying a lovely dinner. i’m a dracula because they did experiments on me

In the bedrock of my soul I know he started out thinking the press pool was a literal pool and has been seething with disappointment since he discovered the mistake

don't know why people are always braggin about knowing where their bread is buttered. just crazy easy. you can see it on there

Struggling to engage with the concept of “father and son Republican operatives Timmy and Tommy Teepell.” Come on man can even one thing be like 5% less stupid

it's wild! he hasn't won an election on this continent this century and he wrote like 14 books all called Winning is the Only Thing That Matters

they should invent a potato chip that i’m eating right now

RANDOM POSTER WHOSE OPINION I HAVE NO REASON TO TRUST: A result like this in NV-03 would be seismic. That’s deep Blortles country. It was Vinkum +8 in ‘24 ME DURING ELECTION SEASON: totally. i just need to look at 9000 more of these

listening to all my music on 1.5x speed because they never sing fast enough to keep my attention

hey hon im gonna hop online, been dying to play a game based on my friend's hopes and dreams. he told me the gameplay is mostly killing the people in his hometown, but like, it's SUPER realistic

alright seems like it's not happening? that makes more sense

looked up mine and this is killing me lmao

my wife told me “sir,”

VOTE NO on Pro 75 (the 'TAX DRACULA' bill.) If we try to tax Dracula, he will simply move away to Texas.

This morning, the D&D team and Magic's Studio X informed our leadership of our intent to unionize. We love the games we make and the work we do, and unionizing is how we protect that work. unitedwizardsofthecoast.com/news/dnd-stu...

your under-eyes are looking plump bro. you been using creams? yoooo i’ve been meaning to get into masks. feel like masks is ball knowledge

standup comic in Plato's Allegory of the Cave but instead of shadows they only have episodes of scooby doo: you ever notice that dogs can't QUITE talk right audience in the cave: ree hee hee hee hee

TRUMP: Did you see the story about my uncle? TIME: The one who taught at MIT? TRUMP: I have the highest of IQs. I have the highest.

i never should have gone back to school

i was thrilled to have the opportunity to do voice work on this game! it's a very interesting narrative project, why not go give it a look?

as always when this is posted, i have to fondly remember the time someone stole this tweet word for word, including using my name as the punchline, then claimed it was just independent discovery

it's shocking to me that this could happen in the year 2026. on account of it's an obvious decision that makes complete sense

[to the tune of She Blinded Me With Science] executive dysfunction having trouble starting things

(i hear the teacher coming back up the hallway and put away the straw i was launching spitballs with) come ON guys knock it off! mr. davidson trusted us!

hot chocolate? yeah sounds good. except that if chocolate even gets WARM, it melts 🙄🙄🙄 maybe think before you speak next time

porn is so deeply misogynistic. i just watched a video with dozens of performers going at it, and they literally hadn’t bothered to hire a single woman.

reposting phil on THE RAVEN SCHOLAR here because i took his rec a month ago and this is my co-recommendation that you (perhaps a fellow book liker) might enjoy doing the same! manages to be inventive and surprising within the constraints of being a real fantasy-novel-ass fantasy novel. so funny too!

heyooo, the game i edited is up for some very cool awards! this is one of the most important votes you will cast this year

learned today it’s spelled Maître D’ with an apostrophe because it’s a cut-off version of the longer french title: Maître Deez Nuts

when i start ruminating on the boxed cereals which destroyed my memory, nothing can help me sleep. not even getting in full military regalia

seems dramatic but ok

thinking about getting really into spending money but there are no beginner-friendly places near me

a captain going down with his sinking ship, bad take edition