Piss Wizard

Wrong Kennedy died.

RIP, I guess

“Y’see, what Mister Obama fails to understand about America is most of her citizens are dumb as shit, and think the Cheesecake Factory is the fanciest restaurant they could ever possibly dine at”

Searching for porn on the internet in 1996.

Can only assume they’re collecting the names of everyone who orders this into some sort of drone strike list.

My life has become exponentially better since I’ve de-centered men.

I've teamed up with Northrop Grumman and Peter Thiel to generically engineer the CatDog.

The world would be a better place if everyone who participated in this no longer existed.

Fuck EA, obviously.

Woke up at 3:30 thinking about Greedo’s last words… Maclunkey. Just feels good to say it. “Maclunkey.” Really sound out every syllable.

Back when I worked at the discount theater we never had enough letters for me to be clever.

I’ve decided I need to start being meaner.

But it isn’t even cool, it’s just jingling keys for people who say “actually it’s ephebophilia”

Never forget

Accidentally wrote SCRIB DOON in the work chat and now everyone thinks I’m a peedunkey.

Was watching a video where someone said “hey siri, call mom” and then my phone called my mom. It rang once and I hung up, but then my mom called me back, and that’s how I found out my stepdad’s stepdad died.

Just found out that Martin Gore is straight. Throwing out all my Depeche Mode CDs.

Thinking about that burger from Resident Evil 2 again…

Thought I’d change things up by swapping my left and right work monitors but it ended up freaking me out so bad I got confused about where actual physical stuff was in the kitchen and on my desk.

I wake up to this like 4-5 times a week.

Someone posted in the teams work chat that some program we all use wasn’t working, and everyone agreed it’s been giving them problems, but I said it was working fine for me (it was) so now I’m sure everyone hates me.

When Jar Jar Binks said “um, ex-squeeze me” … I felt that.

MICHAEL TRACEY IS A BITCH THAT DOESN’T KNOW BALL

When times get tough, I once again look to the Snorb.

Control Resonant is the Mass Effect 2 of Control games.

There’s a podcast I’ve been listening to since 2019, and one of the original hosts has been making it nearly unlistenable over the last few months. Embarrassing asides that take way too long, interjections about their personal lives that have nothing to do with the subject. It’s bad.

I’ve got Control Resonant ready to go, but I’ve just been looking at bad screen for 11-12 hours and I don’t know if I want to look at any more screens tonight.

Having a nervous breakdown on Google Maps street view because I can’t find my way around a city I haven’t visited in 30 years.

Hate it when someone tells me an urban legend isn’t true. I want to believe, man.

You never hear about Prison Paul anymore. I wonder what happened to that freak.

Finally, proof that everyone hates Ed Sheeran.

Now that everyone has turned on Ed Sheeran I finally feel comfortable saying this: you shouldn’t be allowed to get a bunch of tattoos if you’re a musician who makes wuss music

For the fourth year in a row I got both the flu shot and the Covid shot, and for the fourth year in a row all I feel is a little sore in the arm where I got the flu shot.

Happy Kirkiversary to those who celebrate.

Without fail, these dipshits think that if they maybe concede a few republican talking points and throw trans people under the bus republicans will stop calling them communists. And every time, all they do is look like servile fucking worms and conservatives still call them communists.

All the new Apple Watch bands look like poop from a butt.

Apparently I am not immune to marketing because after years of thinking foldable phones were dumb, I think the new iPhone looks kinda cool.

I think the new Zelda looks neat.

Why do I gotta make every day count? I want a few days that don’t count.