Randall

I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation. Then I saw that dragon and shit myself.

How come the hearing aid advertisements don't have old people in them anymore? They seem to be my age... wait a minute...

Period jokes aren't funny. I'm bloody serious!

Feminine sanitation jokes are inappropriate. Period.

You know you are under a lot of stress when you start getting on your own nerves.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

They called them seat cushions because stool softeners didn't sound quite right.

Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

My friend was telling me how his son is failing 3rd grade, and he's not sure how to tell him he's going to be held back. I said, "well, I'd recommend very slowly because the kid is obviously dumb as a rock!"

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask them to dribble a football.

In Back to the Future, in the scene at Lou’s Cafe, Lou is confused by Marty’s references to Tab and Pepsi Free sodas because they don’t exist yet. Young viewers today are confused because those products are relics of the past.

Domesticated dogs can be very large because they’re too loyal to eat us. Domesticated cats must be very small, otherwise they would eat us.

I was going to start jogging today, but then I remembered that I own a car.

The Dow tomorrow

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

I remember at a very early age, my dad sat me down and told me about contraception, and how he wished he'd known more about it.

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it!

According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.

I wanna be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti. Why? Because then in the future, some archaeologist is going to have one awesome day at work.

The instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

I want to know the specific details surrounding the situation that first led to shit literally hitting a fan.

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I'm going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck.

If people really didn’t care what others think of them, we’d have a world full of assholes treating others terribly doing whatever they want whenever they want.... Wait….

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

Hamsters are like cigarettes, they’re completely harmless until you put on in your mouth and set it on fire.

Girl, was your mother a beaver…….. Because, dam!

I just found out cockfighting is done with roosters. That's 12 months of training wasted.

My dentist switched me to this new sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, phone, and on occasion, my sanity.

We should fill driver side air bags with ketchup -- you know, just for fun.

The World Origami Championship has been won by a man from The Philippines, known simply as... The Manilla Folder.

Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

Holy shit have you used spray paint lately? it’s completely odorless you don’t evne neeb tog ventilaenenanfooooooooo

Just once I wish my skills were so critical that a helicopter would be dispatched to pick me up.

This 8 year old at Starbucks isn’t going to take any crap from his coworkers today.

Why do I even ask rhetorical questions?

From what I’ve heard, there are actually people whose paychecks last all the way to the next paycheck! I know! I didn’t believe it either.

I'm not a fig plucker nor a fig plucker's son, but I'll pluck your fig's 'til the fig plucker comes.

Hold the fuck on — the so-called “anti-woke” party has two daddies?

I need a better reason to get up than "because it's morning."

Yes, nothing says "I should be in charge of honoring America's fine arts at the Kennedy Center" quite like being a low-brow philistine schmuck who broke tradition by refusing to go to the Kennedy Center to honor America's artists. I just never thought I'd see Kid Rock and Hulk Hogan get the award.

How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them?

I am tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never heard of vodka before.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed Audience: Jim Carrey: all righty then

I just realized that I subconsciously cook food based on how much cleanup I will need to do after, not on what I actually want to eat.

My mother continually missed the irony of it all when she called me a "son of a bitch."

The point about Trump’s deranged comments about Gaza is that we’re wasting precious seconds talking about Trump’s deranged comments about Gaza and not unelected Elon Musk’s coup to dismantle our government.

The last time I cared about a sporting event Voldemort returned and Cedric Diggory was murdered.

The whole point of the MAGA movement is to inflict pain and suffering on those who are perceived as inferior (i.e. DEI, trans, women). Those in the movement never thought they were in that inferior class. They are soon to find out the “Broligarchy” does not give a flying f*** about them.