Justin 🇨🇦

Hey, European friends! Want booze? It’s not actually very good but it gets the job done. We’ve suddenly got lots. Have drink or two for your old buddy Canada.

Do Americans know the Trump calls Carney “governor Carney”, we just assume he’s another idiot American?

Screw it. I’ve learned how to weaponize being socially awkward.

#Canada 🇨🇦 #NO51stState #ElbowsUPCanada 💪🇨🇦 Canadians' petition declaring yankee #PeteHoekstra, an aggitator for Canada as US's 51st-State, an ENEMY OF CANADA & "Persona Non Grata" to send him back to his Criminal Convicted boss! 🍁 SIGN THE PETITION 🍁 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇 www.ourcommons.ca/petitions/en...

So, punish Canada for smoke from wild fires, Trump is going to tax Americans…somehow. In unrelated news, Mexico sent firefighters

What he said

Dear Netherlands. Look. We’re mates. Friends for along time. While you have many amazing qualities, I’m buying all my seeds next year from you guys. So, uh, could you do us a solid, in light of our long friendship, and take Hoekstra back?

Elizabeth Banks as Ms Frillze. Because my sexuality didn’t already have more kinks than a rattlesnake with a broken back.

Io

So the Hatch Act isn’t actually a law. Which other laws aren’t actually laws?

Dear every media outlet that reported on Trump’s 1.8 billion $ fund: you will never be trusted again. You lied. It was 1.776. It was a dog whistle. W we can decide if it’s a good one or a bad one. You cannot. So today, for me, is “a word to your sponsors” day. If you’ll lie about that…

I’m considerumg joinimh Truth Social. Someone remimd me i look bad in orange.

Oh look. It’s TACO Tuesday already.

Great. What I needed were tears at 1645 on a Wednesday. You explain to my boss why I’m cuddling my cat instead of putting up that PR

Whoa. Trump chickened out? What are the odds

Did the US win the war in Iran again today? It feels like it’s been a couple days since the won the war in Iran. Again.

I think Pete kegsbreath should fly to Qatar or Saudi Arabia. The US Marines could fly him to a tanker waiting to run the Straight of Hormuz. Show the world how safe it is. Or he could make videos. Do some pushups. Whichever.

Is it possible Trump doesn’t know what he’s doing?

Hear me out: we have to let the Marines invade Cuba (or maybe Puerto Rico. Whatever). The Air Force bravely killed school girls; the Navy sunk a ship and let 50 people drown; I assume it was the Army who committed perfidy sinking fishing boats. Were down to the Marines and the Coasties.

I’d like to thank the US government for they’ve finally crossed the humor event horizon. This isn’t dry humping the flag or cheating at golf. This is point and laugh territory. One can no longer even be mad at them. They’re too inane to be mad at.

Isn’t perfidy a crime? Like, of the bad ones?

What if, and hear me out here, Trump isn’t attacking Iran and a distraction from being a pedophile rapist, but because he’s a maladjusted (checks Bluesky strike count) loser with daddy-issues?

The filibuster has to go back to the way it was: debating the issue endlessly. Or even reading from the phone book. Or the Epstein files.

Fellow Americans, re the bridge thing: muzzle your dog.

I’ll take the War on Drugs seriously when they regulate oxytocin and dopamine. Until then, Nixon and Reagan, you’re dead. Drugs won.

Apropos of nothing, threatening lawsuits can be a criminal offense in Canada. This is actually a good idea.

I am so tired of hearing about the Epstein files re: Trump. Trump supporters wont care. Sane people already despise him. The victims won’t be made whole because no one will be prosecuted. The FBI agents (DoJ agents) doing the redactions don’t have consciouses to live with. The media doesn’t care.

How must that phone call feel, to a parent? “Your son has been killed by masked federal agents. He died with in the snow, shot 10 times” “my god - what was he doing!?” “Trying to protect a woman who was being tear gassed. He was a good man, and a helper” “And that kept him alive, did it?”

Hey NRA, are you good with this? THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

I’m curious, which is worse: “executed” or “murdered“? I think executed is something the state does; murdered is something a person with no impulse control does. Anyway, whichever is worse is what he did.

You know, by this point Nixon was reportedly wandering through the Whitehouse, drinking heavily, and talking to portraits of former presidents.

Trump doesn’t want Greenland for the minerals. Sure, he and his buddies will get richer, but that’s not the point. We want it to be that. We can, collectively, wrap our minds around wanting more money. We can’t wrap our minds around…the desire for power. Because it’s sick. It’s wrong. It’s evil.

ChatGPT is more supportive than like, 90% of my ex’s. Humanity is just done.

My fiancée’s tv habits have made me terrified of going to her ancestoral homeland. So many people die. Often killed by their wives.

Seriously. We have a corpse with bullet holes in it. We have a guy who put said holes there. I thought we had this whole system where we found out if said holes were justified. Apparently I was wrong. Arrest and trial. Not tomorrow. Today.

My girlfriend, who claims she loves me, woke up, made coffee, and asked what was going on in the world. I told her we’d wait until she had coffee. She’s not cycling through the BBC, France24, Al Jeazera, the CBC, and my blood pressure monitor.

Do women actually care if you meet them at the train station? (Need answer in the next 4 hours)

Is anyone else ever conflicted by the existential question “watch a movie, or give my cat an inappropriate amount of catnip?” (Spoiler: I went for the drugs. If I’m found dead, she should be the primary suspect. HTF does she run up walls? She seems to view gravity as a suggestion)

Im scared. Scared men are dangerous. We don’t have a choice.

Bestie showed up yesterday to help me deal with a breakup. Bestie was sporting new bruises her boyfriend gave her. I told bestie to sleep in the guest room. Boyfriend showed up and tried to knock my door down. Two hours of giving a statement. How’s your day?

Are women like genetically imprinted with Adele and Taylor Swift! My bestie - who loves punk - is going through a bad break up. I’m feeding her ice cream and finding out she knows every word Adele ever wrote. Wtf?

Vetinari: It sometimes feels like the cynicism of the Night Watch is… Vimes: insufficient?

I went to see NIN for the opening concert for Downward Spiral. Afterwards, I told my friends I was incapable of being angry ever again. I used it all up. Trump has managed the same thing. I have hit max anger at Trump. I have no more. He and his little supporters are now on ignore mode

Political scandal in the US: Trump. I don’t even know where to start. Political scandal in Canada: we think you should spell it “utilize”, Mr Carney.