Shane Almgren

Shane Almgren

@shanealmgren.substack.com

Author, speaker, entrepreneur, musician, comedian, storyteller, endless purveyor of nonsense and practical jokes with a propensity for incarceration. Banned for life from the Nashville zoo.

487 followers15 following451 posts

This image from the Epstein files is a draft press release from August 9, 2019 announcing Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his jail cell. Not particularly noteworthy. Except that Epstein wasn’t found dead until August 10.

The Department of Justice was required to submit the written justification for any redactions to Congress by January 3, 2026. Sure hope nothing else newsworthy was on the docket that day.

The GOP’s “official talking point” about the government shutdown is that it’s all the Democrats’ fault for insisting on giving free healthcare to illegal immigrants, which has never been a thing.

CONSERVATIVES: Charlie Kirk is the MLK of our time! He deserves statues, and parades, and memorials! ALSO CONSERVATIVES: Charlie Kirk is right about MLK! The man was “awful” and doesn’t deserve any of the praise people heap upon him!

Anyone besides me find it baffling that colleges are no longer allowed to consider race for admissions, but SCOTUS just ruled that cops and ICE are allowed to consider race as a viable means to detain people without any other probable cause?

Your president*, ladies and gents: “As previously mentioned, we are giving serious thought to taking away Rosie O’Donnell’s Citizenship. She is not a Great American and is, in my opinion, incapable of being so!”

For the record, the U.S. has so far taken in about $136 BILLION from tariffs, which I supposed is better than nothing. Who remembers back to 2024 when our Country was completely destroyed and our military power was obliterated thanks to no awesome tariffs? Don't all raise your hands at once.

Here's what Trump was doing with his Saturday: posting AI pictures of himself on social media. Really, these are precious. You could steal an old lady's purse directly in front of this lard ass and escape his meaty justice by slowly jogging up a small flight of stairs. Judge Dread he is not.

BREAKING: Trump just cancelled Kamala Harris’ Secret Service detail. Vice Presidents usually get 6 months of security protection after leaving office, but Biden signed a memorandum in January extending it to 18 months for his VP. Trump just revoked it. www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcn...

nbcnews.comTrump revokes Secret Service protection for former Vice President Kamala HarrisVice presidents typically only get six months of protection after they leave office, but President Joe Biden signed a memorandum in January extending Harris' protection to 18 months.

According to the Trump Administration, DC’s homeless population is largely responsible for the “crisis” the National Guard is allegedly there to address. It costs $169,000 a day to operate DC’s entire homeless operation. It costs $424,000 a day to have the National guard there.

Folks, we are witnessing political satire for the ages! Since MAGA loves to hijack our terms and repurpose them for their own bad-faith arguments, I say we start returning the favor. I hereby declare that MAGA now stands for Make America Gavin Already. MAGA!!!!!!

THIS WEEK’S SIGN OF THE FASCIST APOCALYPSE: Florida, which already leads the country in censorship book-banning has just banned The Diary of Anne Frank. And nobody on the Right sees the irony in that.

Wow. In an effort to drastically ramp up ICE recruiting goals, would-be masked Gestapo agents are being offered starting salaries of $90k, sign-on bonuses of $50k, and…freaking STUDENT LOAN FORGIVENESS! Where is f’ing DOGE when you need them? www.newsweek.com/ice-recruitm...

newsweek.comSigning bonuses, loan forgiveness and more: Americans flock to join ICEThe Trump administration is looking to hire 10,000 new ICE agents as part of its immigration crackdown. Ten times that number have already applied.