Shane Morris

I’m sorry, you must have heard me. I said I was GOONING.

Wow. So. Vivek is a next level piece of shit. And anyone working for his campaign right now should quit. It’s literally like that.

This shit is actually insane bro.

I literally just want a car with physical HVAC controls. I don’t care if it has cold gas thrusters or under-body suction. I should be able to easily adjust the temperature of the car. That is it. Thats all I want. The screens are annoying.

I like how Apple just gives me albums where I can look at my kids. It shows up in my shortcuts. And I love it. Also, shoutout to my amazing wife. She holds it down when I’m gone.

I’m four hours from hugging my kids. I wish they knew how much I miss them I’m not home.

I just watched my flight attendant realize the dude next to me could only speak Mandarin, so she got her translator app open and asked him what he wanted to eat. Feels like a commercial for AI coming to life. But anyway. Super cool. Shoutout to American Airlines and Cara.

What does it mean? MF it means SecDef has lost his goddamn mind.

I too, have never passed the bar exam. Am I a lawyer?

Who among us can differentiate between bears and giraffes? Only the most intelligent leaders.

I’m not criticizing her for… being bad at her job, but holy shit the new White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia… she is awful at public speaking.

Mind you, a whole “Data Team” of people thought this was a good idea for a deep dive.

Michael Penix just has one of the most beautiful throwing motions I've ever seen. It looks effortless, but then the ball just leaves his hand with so much zip.

I have rewatched the end of the Washington vs. New York game three times now, and I just cannot fathom how professional football players don't understand that there is a clock.

Nothing these hands can’t solve.

A follow up question: “Biologically speaking, how is it possible to sit upright without a spine?”

I don’t think Americans really appreciate how massive it is that Houthis are just going hammer on the Saudis right now. … and we have an American government that is (currently) fully incapable of finding a way out of this mess. What a clusterfuck man.

Related. Is that Mike Tyson? What the fuck is even going on with the GOP man?

Supporting Ukraine isn’t controversial. They got invaded by a country with a brutal dictator. It’s wild to me that our President is cutting any deals with those Russian fuckheads. Fuck em all.

Just watching now and catching up at 6AM. Alabama has every right to be pissed about that missed pass interference call. It reminds me of that Minnesota v New Orleans game in the NFL playoffs from a few years ago.

“Stop hitting yourself!” I exclaimed, as my 8 year old self grabbed my little sisters hands and made her hit herself on the face.

Breaking news, man catches the flu. Feels bad for a few days.

In a new Truth Social post, Trump explains why he should have received the Nobel Peace Prize—writing entirely in the voice of a man being forcibly removed from a Cheesecake Factory. Really unbecoming of a FIFA Peace Prize laureate.

Ruin a book by adding a word. Both Holes

So hear me out: Every single ocean Trump renames, every single lake… we rename it “Taint” during the next administration. Lake Taint. The Gulf of Taint.

The Venn Diagram of “People Who Defend the Cornell 7” and “Cybertruck Owners” is a circle.

In terms of general game awareness, I don't understand why Tampa Bay chose to go for a touchdown on fourth and goal while they were already up 24-10. If they kick a field goal there, it becomes a three-possession game. It's currently still a two-possession game.

Speaking of public executions… here’s one.

Only the Dallas Cowboys could make an undrafted rookie quarterback on an 0-4 team look like an all-pro. Yeah. This defense is trash.

Angie Nixon is a powerhouse.

Poorly kept secret here in DC. Fetterman is going to switch parties. It’s the only way he can keep his job.

Braves baseball just feels right. 3-1, going into the bottom half of the 7th. Harris knocked in an insurance run. Pitching has been… great.

My family moved 1,400 miles to a state where my wife could SAFELY be pregnant with cancer. Yeah, we made assumptions about Roe. Lots of people have changed their lives in the aftermath of Roe. My daughter is now 4, by the way.

Doctors have diagnosed the teen with “being a total lightweight.”

Thornton’s ankle was… so dislocated that his brain didn’t even register the injury at first. He tried to stand up, and then promptly came back down. Man. MAN.

In a new ad, Angela Paxton explains that the future of Texas, like Ken Paxton's penis, doesn't just belong to one person.

I’m not sure how it happened, but I have a lot of lesbian rock tendencies. My playlists tend to overlap a lot with lesbians. Not sure why I’m this way.

BRO. Shoutout to the probably 70+ year old dude wearing the Pennywise t-shirt at DCA.

I'm hanging out in my hotel. It's 1:30 in the morning. I woke up in the middle of the night, so naturally I decided to channel surf. I haven't watched MTV in years. What is this show Ridiculousness? This has to be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Who is this even for?

It's funny thinking about the subtext of Mike Tomlin giving short answers during every post-game press conference... because he just wanted to get out of there so he could play Minecraft. This is incredible. youtu.be/_h_pQ1-5iQg?...

Fox News is honing in on the enemy ... and it's ... Ms. Rachel?

I’m sorry. Fire the Cowboys DC. That is insane.

I like surprising my Uber Eats drivers with super fat tips. I hope it makes their work a little better, ya know?

Hahahahahhahahahahaha fucking idiot.

“Then yield thee, fucking coward.”

Come on man.

Tonight, a man I was interacting with at a local bar said some extremely racist shit. I wasn't a big fan of that. I explained to him kindly that I could remove his head from his neck. Then he pissed himself. Make racists afraid again.

Brandon Aubrey casually kicking through a 60 yard field goal. It would have been good from 75. This dude is nuts.

Tom Brady drops a live “shit” on the broadcast when Daniels (clearly) dislocated his elbow. Brutal.