Candy Elliott

My husband was annoyed after spending $65 on two burgers and fries, so I said, “Bet yours could blow these away.” His eyes lit up. “Really? I’ll make some tomorrow!” Two days later, I did the same with pasta. And that’s how I Jedi mind-tricked my husband into becoming our chef.

My coping mechanisms now have coping mechanisms.

It’s exhausting how comfortable people are being cruel to strangers online. They decide who someone is from one post, invent the rest, then treat any attempt to explain as proof they were right. They don’t want a conversation. They want a target.

“I see the problem.” “Yeah?” “This is Maple Street.” “Isn’t that what it says?” “You want Maple AVENUE.” “Sorry, I’m covering for Dan.” “Is Dan okay?” “Shingles.” “That’s a shame.” “I’m Jill, by the way.” “Where are my manners, I’m Ted.” “Nice to meet you, Ted.” “You too, Jill.”

My husband purposely does a terrible job on the laundry, hoping I’ll get annoyed and take over. This time, I just said, “Looks like you’ll be doing all the laundry until you figure it out,” and I’ve never seen a man reconsider his life choices so fast.

It was quickly becoming apparent that Nelson might have slightly overstated his qualifications on the job application.

You can’t live in Los Angeles and just say it’s raining. You’re legally required to add, “We really need it.”

Politicians are calling and texting me 20+ times a day asking for my vote. Imagine if they put that kind of energy into doing their actual jobs. They’d be fulfilling campaign promises instead of recycling them every election.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Janice, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really stand a change.”

I’m easy to interrogate. Put me in a slightly uncomfortable chair and I’ll tell you things you weren’t even investigating.

Gen X, we’re in our fifties now, and our parents are in their seventies and eighties. I wrote about anticipatory grief, the grief before the grief, and how I’m trying to stay in the moment with my mom instead of jumping into the future. www.sixfootcandy.com/anticipatory...

Thank you. I searched for ”grief” and found your post. I lost my dad in June after years of dementia, and I though I was prepared. And at first the grief was mixed with such gratitude. But the empty place he left just grows. I guess I just wanted to say that I think you’re doing the right thing.

My husband picked a shirt up off the floor and asked if it was clean. I feel like the floor already answered that question.

I’m convinced Kenneth Walker isn’t human. That man is an absolute BEAST. Every time he touches the ball, I swear the laws of physics stop applying. 🔥🏈❤️💛

How did the people who designed airplane seats know we would one day be shaped like shrimp

I wish people held themselves to the same impossible standards they hold everyone else to. Someone can be a genuinely decent person, and people will still find a reason to tear them apart. And when they can’t find one, they’ll just make something up.

Got my COVID booster and flu shot today. Because I believe in science. It’s really that simple.

Gen X, we’re in our fifties now, and our parents are in their seventies and eighties. I wrote about anticipatory grief, the grief before the grief, and how I’m trying to stay in the moment with my mom instead of jumping into the future. www.sixfootcandy.com/anticipatory...

West Hollywood residents, who are you voting for in the upcoming City Council election, and why?

I've eaten so much Halloween candy that buying more is starting to feel like a subscription service.

Nothing is stronger than my 6 PM desire to never speak to another human being for the rest of the day.

grandma: are you hungry? me: maybe a little grandma:

Horses were overworked and collapsing in NYC streets so people could have a “romantic” carriage ride. Tradition isn’t an excuse. Electric carriages are an option. If losing that ride matters more to you than their suffering, f@ck off. Thank you, Mamdani, for taking this seriously.

Ruin a book by adding a word Fellowship of the Ring Camera

My husband learned CPR. I’m glad, but I wish he’d stop looking at me like he’s waiting for an opportunity.

The dark arts have terrible customer service. 🧙

🎶 Break me off a piece of whatever this is. 🎶

The dark arts have terrible customer service. 🧙

My husband learned CPR. I’m glad, but I wish he’d stop looking at me like he’s waiting for an opportunity.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."

Never grocery shop hungry. I went in for toothpaste and came out prepared to cater a wedding.

It’s the Chiefs’ bye week. What am I supposed to do Sunday? Yell at my family? They don’t even know the plays. 😂

Halloween for Gen X kids: plastic masks, pillowcases, no adult supervision, and a haunted house in somebody's garage where the dad in the lawn chair got you every single year. Exhibit A is attached. One of us was thrilled. One of us had concerns. bitedraft.com/blog/gen-x-h...

ME: I’m a little drunk. HER: I know. ME: You’re very beautiful. HER: Thank you. ME: Do I look okay naked? HER: You do. ME: Do you like my penis? HER: It’s very nice. ME: Big, too. HER: Yes it is. ME: What now? HER: I have to call the police. ME: Why? HER: Starbucks policy, sir.

“I was home. I have never been more home.”

“Yes, can I help you?” “Evening, neighbor. I just wanted to remind you that garbage pickup is tomorrow, and you seem to have forgotten to put your cans out.”

The coffee cake mini muffins are so small and the day ahead is so long.

Messy house? Having guests? Tell them you’re teaching the kids to clean up on their own, and in an instant you’ll go from “lazy slob” to “model parent”

My dream guy is Chewbacca. He’s tall, has great hair and doesn’t talk much

*crosses Velcro shoes into an X to feel wild again*

i've seen some terrible puns but this is really the last straw

Nothing makes me want to keep an item more than finding out I have to print something to return it.

An American city shouldn’t have to vote for you to deserve your protection. The applause is the part I can’t get past. Credit: @covie93.bsky.social

When I tell my husband I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it. No need to remind me every six months.

Not to brag, but I know how to spell “United States.”

All the conversation about sexual assault has been triggering for me. I’m thinking about all the women who might be feeling it, too. These conversations matter, but they can bring back so much pain. Sending you love and support.

I think of the women who question whether what happened “counts.” A date or partner wore them down, guilted them, or made them afraid to say no. Giving in under pressure isn’t freely given consent. How many women have blamed themselves or never told anyone because it happened with someone they knew?