Snek

DAUGHTER: how do walnuts get that brain shape? ME: well, in a nutshell... DAUGHTER: being born to you was my greatest error

anybody ever tried "bread"? I think it's some kind of potato substitute? I had some the other day and it wasn't that bad

ME: i just saw a girl sitting on a tuffet eating curds WIFE: no way ME: no just curds

possible i'm a compulsive saver

i've been off of bluesky for a long while because having a live feed of the state of the world became too painful, but as i speak i'm sitting through a new recurring all-hands departmental meeting at work, and suddenly bluesky doesn't seem so bad

is your ios or android program suffering from unsightly eczema or painful burns? our clinic can help, you just need an app ointment

so awesome that nyc democrats didn't vote for the guy widely known to be a piece of shit! Assuming zohran wins the general election, the city 100% deserves to revel in its short break before (if history of NYC mayors is any guide) he also turns out to be a piece of shit

should public transit be free? i'm not sure but i think this question should be asked in the same breath as "should roads for private cars be free?"

billy joel has such beautiful symmetry to his productive career years: he famously dislikes "piano man", and every other human on earth famously dislikes "we didn't start the fire"

they are called "pancakes" because they are cooked in pans, but all cakes are cooked in pans

let's go #balatro #unseeded

i actually think it's possible that a lot of people who were famous for work in the 1950s or 1960s might end up dying

god is dead

in spanish-speaking countries there are 6.02 x 10^23 avocados per lawyer

everybody has a hungry heart and i've got hungry eyes and now my heart and my eyes are fighting over the leftover meatloaf

it's all so reminiscent of the immortal Lincoln-Douglas ragetweets

did you the negative space in the fedex logo hides a secret arrow? highlighted in yellow here:

(A devil approaches after my first 111 years in hell) DEVIL: OK, contrary to what you may have heard, your torment isn't necessarily eternal. It's time to re-evaluate and see if you've learned anything. The format will be just like a corporate job interview from Earth. ME: um I'm good here thanks

i could never be a vegetarian, it would make me so uncomfortable knowing i was still made of meat

nothing tickles me more than when christians -- quite correctly in their deranged view of an all-rewards afterlife -- tell you you should look forward to dying

look i'm not saying this is necessarily bad, just too complicated for home use

heading down to the cornier store to find some dumber jokes

if bluesky is dying then i call dibs on eating its liver to absorb its sacred essence and transcending our mortal plane

for sale, one pair baby diapers, worn once

dry wine? canada dry ginger ale? what are these, just powders?

i for one welcome our new roko's basilisk

been online a little less recently, which is good for not obsessing over every wretched step of our drunken stumble toward unambiguous fascism, but bad because i probably missed some banger shitposts

at current exchange rates this is a $3316 walrus

this week's meal planning is off to a rousing start

wife just informed me "the largest iceberg on earth is stuck" which turns out to be a trigger for kidney stone ptsd

screaming phantoms vs homoside laws, go

well actually cookie was doctor. you thinking of cookie monster

killing two birds with one stone is not that much harder than killing one bird with one stone, assuming you can find the stone again

revenge is a dish best served cold, like gestapo

my core strength is pathetic, but i make up for it with decent mantle strength and a swole crust

religious leaders among jewish frogs are known as ribbi

my brain: they have canned hot dogs, why don't they have canned hamburgers? the internet: hold my beer www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_k-...

norm

kids today have no idea how real it felt to buy a videogame and crack open the big book of an instruction manual that came with it

if you have an open world game where you can acquire and ride specific horses and those horses don't come with an odometer, what are you even doing?

for the love of all that is sacred, everybody please stop putting up posts with pictures of the anduril founder bro with the mullet and chin merkin

it's such an old-fashioned term but a beautiful term: regicide

he seems pretty happy here

remember, if you hang up a map, you MUST hang it on a NORTH-facing wall. any other orientation is a crime against god

kentrikodontiphobia: fear of tom cruise's weird central tooth

ice cream coney dog, is this something

our school district just sent out some kind of warning about a "chromebook challenge" social media thing, and a) it looked boring so i didn't follow the link and b) this chromebook is delicious

i own and have read every aubrey-maturin novel so it is with no small level of expertise that i explain to you what happened: that ship was too tall to fit under that bridge

you see a lot of lists of funny/strange foreign words that english doesn't have a word for, but come on, how many other languages lack a common verb meaning "wash one's mouth and throat with a liquid kept in motion by exhaling through it"?