Joe

[to the tune of Mother by Pink Floyd]

Finally, a mattress topper for those who sleep standing up

One of these things is not like the other

Look, bringing order to the galaxy means sometimes you gotta do things that seem wrong, but you gotta remember those woke rebels are scum and we’re on the right side of history. It’s our destiny…

“Dan! Dan! He’s our man! If he can’t do it, other Dan can!”

Jolly Green Giant (he big) Colonel Sanders (gritty ol’ farm boy, military experience, was real) Kool-Aid Man (busts through walls = no place you’d be safe) Ronald McDonald (corporate monster, is clown, knows magic)

I want to buy this bear a recliner

Husband just came in to tell me that since the assassination of Abraham Lincoln every American president has been alive at the same time as Herbert Hoover.

“I wish cake was greasy instead of sweet.” -inventor of plain donuts

“for some reason”

"...but you can't use your hands" should be the main rule of a party game, not the world's most popular sport.

Meat, cheese, and mayo.

An Empire Strikes Back themed vending machine, where a little Darth Vader figure appears asking your snack to help rule the galaxy just before it falls to the dispensing area.

Muffin bottoms are dark meat.

Inside of you there are two wolves.

All You Can Suck chili dogs at Tastee Freez

"MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW"

Ever notice the phrase "he's a nice guy" is often preceded or followed by a "but..."?

How many syllables in “Desire”? Webster: “two” Bono: “seven”

I think drive-thrus, delivery, and curbside also play a role. Fewer experiences (even basic sensory stuff like sights & smells), less stepping outside our bubble, and an expectation of being catered to. Things the brain could formerly draw connections from & for have become simply transactional.

I have a recurring dream that there's a street map of Minneapolis on my stomach. It's never central to the plot, but more of a tangential "Hey, wanna see something weird...?" No one knows why it's there or where it came from.

Nothing says “We live in a serious country” like the president of the United States threatening, “probably… a whole civilization will die tonight” the same way he threatens, “probably… I’ll sue Rosie O’Donnell.” Anyway, hug your kids.

One evokes feelings of patriotism, civic pride & shared humanity, while the other feels like a cult for technofascist manbabies whose biggest grievance, other than the 14th, 16th, 19th & 24th amendments, is that people don’t give them enough credit for being smarter than the rest of us.

[explosively spitting a mouthful of smoothie before interrupting the human sacrifice] WAIT!!! THERE’S ANOTHER WAY…

Heaven & Hell both have corn on the cob, but only one has dental floss.

[Rolling Stones iMac voice] “She’s like a Volvo…”

Going back to 1972 and explaining that people haven’t been to the moon in so long that we need to do a practice lap to make sure we still know how to get there. Also, that I watched the launch on my phone.

It’s very nice to see that we can still do things with science

Looking out my hotel window to take in the Greenville skyline

Same.

Any Christmas lights are permanent if you leave ‘em up long enough.

How many flavors, if you had to guess…?

Thinking about how Biscuitville underwent a rebrand similar to Cracker Barrel a decade ago, but we were too naive to realize it was because of woke.

Sending myself a reminder to give the dogs their flea & tick preventative (NexGard), which isn’t as exciting as my phone would suggest

Jack White at his kid’s sporting event as the opposing team chants Seven Nation Army

remember tonight to set your clock ahead an hour. but if canada and mexico set their clocks ahead an hour, then set your clocks back an hour. except for clocks in the automotive industry and clocks made with parts already covered under the USMCA, in which case

my nephew drew me this. you think it’s cute well it’s not he’s 23 and just got pardoned for taking a shit inside the Capitol on January 6th

I think the goal is to make all the social media sites so repugnant everyone with a shred of decency cancels all of their accounts, leaving us with no way to find each other and organize.