The best Dave you know

I need you to know this. If Miss Rachel (kindly) called me a bitch, I would leave the internet forever. Free Palestine.

Pittsburgh has fewer sunny days than Seattle. I need a yinzer vampire movie. It'll be called, "Bloodsuckers N'at."

When you are choking on a pretzel, you drink water. When you are choking on water, you should eat a pretzel. It's math.

Make a show a horror by changing/adding one word. For example: The Sweet Lifeblood of Zack and Cody

If it isn’t my old nemesis, lack of financial security.

Nothing makes me angrier than an AI poster for a CRAFT SHOW

Me: I'd be safe in the Hellraiser universe because I am terrible at puzzles. Interviewer: How about your greatest weakness?

My Nu Folk album cover

Buy me something on my Steam Wishlist so I know you got home safe

My sleep number is 8 for the rest of my life but after it will be ∞.

🎶Cthulu brings all the cultists to my yard and they're like R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Damn right, R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn🎶

I want to do comedy in Chernobyl. I don't want to be paid, though. I'm just going to do it for the exposure.

Our relationship may be parasocial, but I think we would all be friends if we met.

A haunted house where you just sit with your own thoughts and your cellphone battery is at 3%.

I like to listen to songs about death when I go running. It reminds me of the futility of running.

If you have a crypto link in your bio and you think, "I should follow Dave," stop. Get help.

In 80 years, when they make a movie about today, it'll be called, "Sloppenheimer."

Sure, nostalgia is poison, but so is alcohol and I don't think millennials are giving either up.

Turns out, "dead in a ditch," isn't a good answer for where I see myself in 5 years.

I'm voting for Dukakis.

Someone asked how I was doing and I froze and said, "for the sake of this talk, I'm good." They did not like that answer.

I love Radiohead so much, I drove to Cleveland to see them and I hate Cleveland so much I drove home after the show. (This was a long time ago)

Physically, I'm in or around Pittsburgh in the current day. Mentally, I'm in Paris France in 1499 fighting against Dracula's army of monsters.

The word, "emergency," is too long for when you need it. Four syllables is ridiculous. It needs to be replaced with, "oh fuck," because it's only two syllables and much more attention grabbing.

I was just described as a slightly less sad "Ben Wyatt eating a sandwich in a new Batman Suit," and it is the happiest I have been described in my life.

I'm not saying I'm in a weird headspace but Gordon Cole being able to hear Shelly Johnson made me well up a bit on my 11th rewatch of Twin Peaks.

You know what's cool about locking in America right now? No follow up here; I'm legit asking.

The late 1940's were an amazing time in history. It was the end of the great depression and the beginning of the great passive aggression.

"I love a movie," is VERY different from, "this movie is good." For example, I love Halloween III Season of the Witch but it is not a good movie.

I lost a roast battle to my mirror.

Ok, Tubi is free but Mubi is fuckin 15 a month? Sorry, Camp Miasma, I cannot pay for another streaming service. Get fucked.

Imagine being broke and named, "Bill."

WebMD said that I have no disease but I am a sick fuck.

From September to March, every office sounds like a tuberculosis ward.

Kids don't like specific music anymore and it's because of AI. I'm not being an old person fighting technology, I'm starting a fact. I ask my kids what music their friends like and they say none of them know any bands or artists. I hope the ship gets righted but I am not hopeful for the arts.

My five year plan is to stop.

Rule 34 states that if it exists, there is a porn for it. Does that mean that someone writes TheFaceOfDave slash fict?

I'm still upset that I never got a Favestar trophy.

My superpower is the ability to overthink anything to the point that I get a headache.

🎶Wake me up and give me GoGurt/ cuz I'm not eating any non-tube yogurt!🎶

Dachshund: Why the long face? Horse: Why the long ass?

I'm going to make every nerd angry, right now. Remake Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me

Oh, you like The Simpsons? Name 49 of their best episodes.

Captain Obvious called. He said that he has my number. That's how he just called me.

Now that Sir-Mix-A-Lot is older, baby got back-problems.

Normalize bullying small businesses that think AI posters look good. They made their own ads last year or they payed a designer for that before, why can't they now?