Thomas Newman

Good news is that I broke the cycle and I’m raising my kids are to be kind, accepting, and woke as hell.

I wouldn’t put it past the admin to pull some false flag shit on MLK day because they’re that cruel.

Something bad is going to happen in the next 24 hours.

Imagine how many jira tickets there’d be if we tried to go to the moon today.

You know you is never seen being excited about AI? Women. I’m with them.

Was at the KY state fair for six hours today and only saw ONE dumb fuck wearing a Trump hat.

I’ve been going through Wikipedia’s list of “great American novels” and I just polished off another two. Now I need something new. I want recommendations from yall. What books do you still think about years after you’ve read them? No genre preference, but I’m rather tired of sci-fi and fantasy.

Dude in front of me is buying pregnancy tests and does NOT look stoked about it.

Just finished reading Station Eleven and if we all start to die quickly, I’m going to fill my pockets with bullets and shit so I’ll leave loot when I die

Boss asked me today to please stop using the word “clankers” derogatorily about anything AI or robot related.

yesss things are about to get interesting

Fuck America

I’ve been spending time reading rather than being on social media and it’s done wonders for my mental health. Which is saying a lot because I’m reading Blood Meridian

Tips For Surviving A Rip Current theonion.com/tips-fo...

I am the only dad in this SkyZone reading a book.

A drug dealing ice cream truck sounds like something they taught us in dare class www.whas11.com/article/news...

There’s always cute comparisons to how big your baby is in utero but you never hear anyone say “she’s as big as a subwoofer” down the road

This is why I think that there’s someone so powerful, rich, or scary, that they’re all being blackmailed into keeping the whole business a secret.

Praying would be easier if you got a receipt

Watching the press briefing and these dipshits are asking about Shen Yun and Alcatraz island instead of the Epstein files and shit. Shithole country.

Seeing this ruined my day

One QR code for sale. Never scanned.

I get up and open the door without looking a lot for someone who can just look from their phone.

Shithole country

Getting a job at ICE so I can constantly “accidentally” dick up their operations and then dox everyone.

For when you absolutely positively want to fight a cop

My boss is ordering me to take three weeks of PTO off before the end of the year so do they do scholarships to Space Camp?

Hell yeah everything else sucks but we're lucky to live at the same time as Baja blast

I need to find a way to consume jambalaya while driving

Me Too 2 needs to involve violence as punishment.

Millennials killed off something in a good way: the “customer is always right” attitude from older generations

A wildlife photographer joked that his wife managed to capture an extraordinary photo that outdid him: a European eagle owl, one of the world's largest, perched on his camera lens.

You never see old people who vape

Dang, Henry was a real one.

My parents found out they were having me the day that the Challenger exploded. And my birthday is 9/11.

My house burned down in 1st grade and my dad was the fire captain who responded.

Until only very recently I thought you were supposed to fill urine sample cups as high as possible. I’m horrified at the idea of many medical professionals have had their day ruined because I gave them too much pee.

I love when a book keeps making me stop and run to Wikipedia to learn more about a thing I hadn’t heard of before.

Of course they did. Incompetent morons can’t just drop it and admit they were wrong.

The new ice budget is so massive because they’re going to monetarily reward people turning in their neighbors. Theyll create a jobs crisis and then make it lucrative to rat on the family next door.

Asked my maga uncle how the new Korean chicken joint next to his place is. Of course he instantly got racist about it.

They’re going to make undocumented immigrants choose between prison or indentured servitude/forced into the agriculture industry.