The Horse You Rode In On

horse races need to be the best of seven

Most anti-vaxxers in America have been wholly vaccinated and didn't die or suffer from the maladies they say vaccines do not prevent. Nor do most of them have autism, which they claim vaccines cause. Why do these nut-jobs get media coverage? Or HHS cabinet posts?

Next time Trump goes to Truth Social and says it's a good time to buy stock, I'll know he's about to announce lower tariffs on China to make the market soar again.

Amidst all this talk about tariffs, absolutely nobody has asked the question: What happens to all the tariff money once it is sent to the Treasury? Who's in the vault with their arms outstretched?

Trump said now is the time to get richer than ever before, referring to the stock market. Now, this may be the result of having a stupid brain... or it may indicate he's manipulating the stock market in order to short sell.

The true nightmare of the sea is the inches-long cookie cutter shark, because they will swim up to you, take a plug out of your flesh, and swim away unceremoniously. You'll likely survive the experience, but do you want to?

I wrote a text to my ex-wife, but I sent it to my boss.

BIC Twin Lady Sensitive razors at Dollar General have tighter security than U.S. war plans.

My generation drank from the hose, respected our elders, shat in the ditch, killed animals, and failed math and history.

It is quite telling that, come April 1st, you can say virtually anything, no matter how crazy, and it won't sound like a April Fool's joke. Crazy is the new normal.

At best, artificial intelligence is 70% factual, 30% blather. I wouldn't trust it for a cake recipe.

Both my cat and the Roomba have escaped.

It appears the Democratic Party is gonna acquiesce themselves out of existence.

The governor of Kentucky lecturing the governor of California for cozying up to Nazis is something I never expected on my bingo card

Goddamn Schumer

The Free Speech people are disappearing dissidents. The fighting antisemitism administration is hiring neo-Nazis. The government efficiency leader is playing video games at work. The America First guys are destroying America. Everything these people say are lies.

Trump promised to bring prices down, and he's done just that. Unfortunately, it's the price of stock that's falling.

These DEI layoffs are designed to keep white men in control of the institutions that protect wealth.

looks like the well-regulated militia ain't gonna stand up to tyranny like they said they would

I only wish for one thing. It's not world peace or any of that happy horseshit. I wish that... Mark Ruffalo would play the role of Columbo in a feature-length mystery.

I'm reporting from Tennessee — ground zero for the legalization of cruelty — where a bill banning undocumented children from public schools has passed committee.

I enjoy a colorful serving of melons.

If any of my friends from Facebook see this, Fuckerberg suspended me for 6 months after I posted an obviously sarcastic comment about fentanyl.

They're having a pot luck at church, so I made a shark uterus board.

Given the price of eggs, now would be a good time to tell your children the Easter Bunny doesn't exist.

Undocumented MS-13 gangbangers who operate in the underworld are well known for impeccable attendance at school.

The irony is, if Trump were to get rid of FEMA via executive order, it will be the most federally-dependent states that suffer, and those are red states.

Mississippi is gonna hire bounty hunters to round up undocumented immigrants. What could possibly go wrong?

Farm workers aren't showing up for work out west, because they're scared of ICE. Crops will die, and food costs will skyrocket as a result. But we have Mexico to the south where we can get $50 tomatoes and avocados after Trump's tariffs. It should be noted that vegetation will not grow in Greenland.

Folks are asking, "why Canada, Greenland, Panama?" As with anything Trump, first ask "how does it benefit Russia?" It tests the strength and resolve of NATO and the UN; it validates Russia's territorial expansion; and it destroys U.S. alliances. Traitors gonna trait.

BREAKING: Bashar al-Assad has moved to Moscow where he has a network of friends.

I'm no Behavioral Scientist, but judging from actions by the brossassin who killed that insurance dude, I'd say he comes from money, but rebels against it. He's well-educated and beguiling. It's possible he wasn't seeking revenge at all, just the thrill of a high-profile murder and brilliant escape

I got kicked off Twitter for calling Trump a "portly orange shart-farmer." Can I say that here, or are y'all gonna be dicks about it?