Mr. Cardio

Just remembered the time a few years ago when I punched someone’s side mirror for parking in the bike lane and they immediately started sobbing at the top of their lungs lol

Just voted for him ✅

Lol the number of dependabot package bump PRs I’m merging at work in a given week due to CVEs is so insane. Can everyone stop using AI to be fucking annoying and break shit

Please obliterate that twink Mark Zuckerberg sir,

I get so damn horny anytime I see Hugh Jackman’s name written anywhere cause all I can think about are huge men jacking off

Inshallah we will ship him soon

Buckhead is the Tel Aviv of Atlanta

Went to my new gym for the first time today and there was an abandoned dog wandering around the parking lot. Probably nothing

Dick so good she keeps me chained in her basement

lmfao

My family did intense and constant psychological warfare against me my entire childhood and early adult life for being fat. Recently I was taking stock and realized I’m now the thinnest and most muscular person in my family. Hahahahahahaha You Fucking Fatties. You Like That? Suck My Dick Aunt Sarah

There are drivers in this story saying the traffic makes them want to commit suicide, and one person says she has to slap herself in the face to stay awake on the highway. Genuinely one of the funniest pieces I've ever read in my life

Thinking back I’m pretty sure the place I stayed in San Francisco in 2016 was straight up an illegal apartment

Punching cars in red states feels so much better than blue states cause there’s a 40% chance a gun gets pulled on you. Better than doing crack cocaine

Flat Stanley’s Parents Were Just Mailing Him Around Like A Letter

“The driver might die in prison”

I would be so sad if Vivek Ramaswamy accidentally crashed his jet into the Longaberger Basket Building in Newark, Ohio. Please God no

The government killed Lindsay Graham with the Havana Syndrome raygun because he was too good at giving head. But y'all aren't ready to have that conversation

I disavow my bitch ex wife!

I’ve achieved a state of nirvana with my body where I’m losing a lot of weight while eating biblical levels of ice cream every week

MrBeast Joins Shark Tank, Invests Quarter Million In AI-Powered 'Ball 2' https://kotaku.com/mrbeast-joins-shark-tank-invests-quarter-million-in-ai-powered-ball-2-2000747308

Not texting people back and making them think you died >>>>

😂😂😂

What about a movie called President Evil and it was about the pedophile in the white house! rofl

One of my favorite Twitter bits was the time I made a fake Georgia Department of Transportation account where I took all the stuff the real one posted and photoshopped it to say stuff like “we’re widening highways because we hate black people.“ They got so mad about it they made a public statement

Do I know anyone familiar with Chicago/Illinois housing law who could tell me if a non-disparagement agreement my landlord asked me to sign is legal and/or enforceable? They deserve an extremely negative google review

Just drove into a delivery robot on the sidewalk with my car at 84 mph

I signed up to become a dsa member babe. Can I have pussy now

The idea of Philadelphia is really funny but if it were a real place it would probably piss me off

I'm so finished with white men's entitlement lately that I'm really not sad about a 2yo being eaten by a gator bc his daddy ignored signs

We’re going to see some really funny deaths happen as a result of this car

Chicago‘s transit systems have the resources to do cool things but the people leading them don’t have any vision so nothing really happens there. Atlanta’s transit system has little resources with cool projects in the pipeline, but the people leading them have TBIs. It’s so awesome

Runner’s high feels like what I imagine ketamine is like

New drivers license photo is the best one I’ve ever taken in my entire life #mogged

>we’ve reached the worrying about prison phase of the Trump Presidency

Me on Threads: Mark 16:1. Even during biblical times, women simply loved to go shopping Me on LinkedIn: Here’s what shoving a cantaloupe up a homeless guy’s ass taught me about Fatherhood

One of the funniest tech phenomenons to me is when a smaller company makes a new sort of shitty product/service to fill a niche a larger company isn’t fulfilling, and then gets completely KO’d by said larger company out of the blue. Anyways RIP to Skylight