YouCleanItUp

The @neilhamburger.bsky.social / Charles Manson connection:

Tried the new "Hit Or Miss Baseball" game from EA Sports. It was pretty okay, I guess. Nothing special.

Does the success of You Can See Everything mean we'll finally get a theatrical release of The Web starring Johnny Depp and Bill Gates?

I can't tell if it's just Halloween, or if my dog is secretly goth.

Edgar Allen Poe wrote some of my favorite Edgar Allen Poetry.

Finally, someone is taking action! (from @ideasdontexist on ig)

I'm angry. I'm unfulfilled. And I'm in the mood to spend, baby!

My boss told me that my reason for skipping a meeting was a cop out, and I said that's good because I want the COPS OUT of here!

When it comes to facial scars, there's a fine line between "rugged and masculine" vs. "James Bond villain."

Did you know that Michelin Stars are actually ninja stars? Chefs who have one can use it to take out badly behaved guests.

Giving my doctor a stern lecture for using the term "red blood cells" instead of "Native American blood cells."

Bribing the plumber to hook me up with the black market tap water with extra fluoride.

Accidentally bought a bag of the high protein rabbit food and now I'm getting my ass kicked by the world's strongest bunny.

Anybody have any recommendations for a movie starring Nicholas Cage where he plays a dirty cop who gets drunk and gropes statues while shouting things like "The ACES are WILD! WHOOOOO!"

In my opinion, there should be a lot more movies where a robot shoots a guy in the dick.

A property inspector is basically an urban explorer without a YouTube channel.

Gregg Turkington is a man who loves the Oscars so much that he makes tributes to the Oscars *during* the Oscars. Gregg is the final boss of movie buffs.

Whenever I think of a new idea, a light bulb appears over my head. I then take the light bulb and screw it into a lamp. Saves a lot of money on light bulbs.

Great to see Clifford Banes back at it again! #InTheKnow

I'm really proud of you for saying this. It takes a lot of strength. I accept your apology.

I would like to apologize for my last post, the one before that, and -- come to think of it -- all of the others as well.

Ugh, not again. Someone needs to teach me how to sew *without* getting my dick caught in the sewing machine.

Awful bold of them to assume what kind of email I have to deal with on a regular basis.

Scientists are finding that many of today's youth wouldn't survive a minute in the ring with Dave "The Pounder" Jackson.

It gives me a sick satisfaction that my disturbing #OCATC dirty fanfics are still bringing people joy: www.reddit.com/r/OnCinemaAt...

The Dalai Lama is proud to introduce: Buddhism Part 2: The Reckoning. Using powerful new techniques, you'll be able to meditate THROUGH WALLS and destroy your enemies with THE POWER OF YOUR MIND. Available now for $2,500/month (new customers only)

You may have noticed that we haven't seen Mr. Snuffleupagus for a while. The sad truth is he's been in rehab for his crippling addiction to Percocet.

Image David Bowie. Now imagine David Bowie without the talent, charisma, or looks — that’s basically me.

Working on my series of Old Testament fanfics where Noah has to save Tokyo by fighting off Megalon and Godzilla.

Netflix is now offering a subscription tier that's 50% cheaper but they send a guy to your house to fire a taser at your genitals.

The "Buddy" movie is basically a worse version of this ancient internet meme: www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4Eu...

Finally got my Garfield fleshlight.

Me when I see the price of lunch in downtown San Francisco:

Got a new health tracker that alerts me when I've passed away.

Take it from me, it's hard to find a barber who will shave your balls.

Am I the only one starting to regret getting "DONALD TRUMP" tattooed on my forehead?

Toni has turned to a life of witchcraft #OCATC

I suavely straddle up to the bar, smiling flirtatiously with a pair of gorgeous supermodels. "Good evening, ladies." The bartender turns to me and says, "What'll it be, stud?" I reply: "I'll have a chocolate Ensure Max nutrition shake. On the rocks."

I'm escaping to the ONE PLACE that hasn't been corrupted by AI algorithms... SPACE!

My dentist is threatening to put my wisdom teeth back in.

Excuse me, the founding "fathers"? How dare you assume their gender identities without asking.

Support your local wax museum. If they go out of business, you know what happens to all that wax? That’s right, it goes back into your ears.

Support your local wax museum. If they go out of business, you know what happens to all that wax? That’s right, it goes back into your ears.

Wait, so the future of clothing is… straitjackets?

Wait, so the future of clothing is… straitjackets?

Doctor says I mansprained my ankle.

The good news: Flock is going bankrupt. The bad news: They’re selling all the footage to Discovery Channel to create a new reality TV show.

Studies show that compared to conventional farmers markets, at night markets the average person is 10% more likely to get bitten by a vampire.

Well, Folsom Street Fair is over. Anyone need a couple extra dildos?