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sometimes someone in my discord is is so self-hating, stating as fact such nasty shit, that they become hostile to any kindness at all. "i'm shit and if you say I'm not you're lying to me" type shit. you have to change your outlook before your helplessness becomes real in a way you don't expect

even with smart, thoughtful, kind, patient, experienced people putting in work to try to help, i find that once someone is lashing out against basic kindness they're often unreachable from the outside. gotta go get into some harmful situation and wait it out, or maybe never recover

that extreme self-hate-as-fact thing, where you no longer think you're *feeling* this way but that it *is* this way, has a warped sort of self-aggrandizement at the middle of it. main character syndrome. you're the special exception to every rule of life you believe in, uniquely intractably dogshit

to think you're uniquely, immensely horrible in a way nobody else can be or understand or conceive of, is actually to think very highly of yourself, just in a tense, gross way. you find people get very defensive of the idea that they're shit. questioning it becomes an insult

in an extreme case, someone left the 'cord, and months later i realised, and went, oh shit, are they ok? later i found they'd received a screenshot of this, and posted like: "look at this piece of shit who hates me pretending to care if i'm alive". bottomless, delusional self-regard-via-self-hate

to think so strongly that people don't care about you, but also that they'd perform caring about you in a space you're not in... once you can pit yourself against reality like that and win in your own mind i suspect you are simply gone. the brain can be put in an unsolvable state

a couple people have already reacted like, "yeah that's me but in my case i *am* the uniquely unsalvageable main character 🙂‍↕️" like ohhh brotherrrr

on a more positive note, sometimes i see someone actually pull up out of this nosedive and do great and get happy and it fuckin rules

of course in person you have much better options often... sometimes you can short circuit some of these behaviours with a hug or a change of scene or something. online all you have often is minimising harm to others by removing the person

comorbid with this condition: thinking constantly that you have "failed" and "keep failing" at things that don't even have fail states. which is most things. you can never "fail" at learning to draw or getting a job. you just aren't drawing well yet. you just don't have a job yet.

What if you "not yet" something for years and years and years and then finally die? What then?

then you're dead. a corpse has never failed at anything