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Chicagoans Over 25 Urged To Shelter In Place Until Lollapalooza Over

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I’m here for a conference and I am so very old and was never cool and even when I was young, I could not get away with booty shorts and whatever handkerchief contraptions these young women are wearing on top

I am absolutely not jealous of everyone who gets to see Ado there, as my t-shirt saying that I am absolutely not jealous already indicates