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Jane Austen, always deftly getting me to root for characters I dislike by introducing even more highly unlikable characters.

So this whole time Collins is surveying the estate he’s gonna inherit, the Bennets’ home (I think? I assume?), which sets him up as something of a looming threat. He also takes a liking to his hot cousin Jane, which seems to make sense, but I still think he kinda lacks imagination.

OH he’ll *settle* for Elizabeth if Jane is unavailable lmao I hate this odious little loser.

So by the time we meet Wickham, the experience is like, “Wow, finally, a hot man,” and it’s kind of incredible the whiplash we experience. And Elizabeth seems to take a liking to him, BUT—

Wickham seems to have some hot goss (or at least some prickly opinions) about Darcy, which makes Elizabeth’s ears perk up, and I think we’re supposed to be unsure whether it’s because she’s interested in Wickham himself or if she’s very interested to hear about Darcy! Jane Austen is so good at this.

Oh my god Wickham is diaBOLICAL.

So he starts to suggest a relationship with Darcy, grabbing Elizabeth’s attention, then he circles around more pleasant topics for a minute, and THEN he brings up his sob story backstory with Darcy again later, real smooth-like, so as not to be too obviously fixated on Darcy.

This is the rhetorical strategy I employed as a child to scam my parents into buying me a PlayStation 2.

LMAO Wickham is like, “This man, who is dead, liked me so very much and wanted me to have a good living, rest his soul, this dead man, who definitely liked me so so much.” I almost admire him.

“No no, he didn’t put me in his will, you see, because he liked me so much it was obvious I had a bequeathment just based on vibes, but then his hardass son elected to ignore the positive vibes because he’s just a jerk, I can only guess. 😔” Wickham you slick, slippery bastard lmao

OH MY GOD Liz, even when she’s starting to be charmed by this boy, has the wherewithal to ask why Darcy wouldn’t honor the vibes-based bequest to Wickham (I love her, what a gal), and he has the gall to be like, “Darcy? Probably jealous.”

Wickham is like, “Oh you know Darcy’s aunt Catherine de Bourgh? *stage whispers* Kind of a bitch.” JEEZ. This man has no boundaries.

I do enjoy Elizabeth having a giggle at Bingley’s sister flirting with Darcy for no reason if he’s supposed to marry Catherine de Bourgh’s daughter. That’s a fun little petty teehee.

OH Wickham is manufacturing a sense of closeness by taking Elizabeth aside and gossiping with her straightaway, so she feels her priors affirmed, he makes her feel special because she has his special attention, and now they share a little hush-hush gossip. He’s a SCAMMER scammer!

I’m not sure what the relationship between Mr Collins and Lady C de B is just yet. I should go back and see why she’s his patroness. I must have missed something.

Okay so there’s gonna be a party at Netherfield, and Bingley’s invited everybody. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is struggling with Wickham’s account of Darcy because why would a hot person lie. I’ve never… related to somebody more and also resented it at the same time.

Now we’re at the party at Netherfield, and I gotta be honest, I kinda got whiplash thinking we’d get a party prep montage, but no. We’re like at least one dance deep, and those dances are a commitment.

Lmao not Mr Denny immediately being messy about Wickham’s conspicuous absence. He’s like, “Yeah, he’s a way on business *stage whispers* THE BUSINESS OF NOT HANGING OUT WITH DARCY lol.” Men are so messy.

“This part of his intelligence, though unheard by Lydia, was caught by Elizabeth—“ girl has her man-drama radar UP!

Lydia pay attention! There is messiness afoot! Come ON!

This is such a beautiful little nugget of humanity—we think holding a grudge on behalf of someone else exhibits something like loyalty, but we eventually figure out it’s actually just messy boundaries.

She has an unpleasant time dancing with Mr Collins, who spent a lot of time “apologizing instead of attending,” and if that isn’t the sharpest and basically perennial critique of human behavior ever, expressing a regret and never adjusting.

How is every single line a banger???