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LMAO Wickham is like, “This man, who is dead, liked me so very much and wanted me to have a good living, rest his soul, this dead man, who definitely liked me so so much.” I almost admire him.

“No no, he didn’t put me in his will, you see, because he liked me so much it was obvious I had a bequeathment just based on vibes, but then his hardass son elected to ignore the positive vibes because he’s just a jerk, I can only guess. 😔” Wickham you slick, slippery bastard lmao

OH MY GOD Liz, even when she’s starting to be charmed by this boy, has the wherewithal to ask why Darcy wouldn’t honor the vibes-based bequest to Wickham (I love her, what a gal), and he has the gall to be like, “Darcy? Probably jealous.”

Wickham is like, “Oh you know Darcy’s aunt Catherine de Bourgh? *stage whispers* Kind of a bitch.” JEEZ. This man has no boundaries.

I do enjoy Elizabeth having a giggle at Bingley’s sister flirting with Darcy for no reason if he’s supposed to marry Catherine de Bourgh’s daughter. That’s a fun little petty teehee.

OH Wickham is manufacturing a sense of closeness by taking Elizabeth aside and gossiping with her straightaway, so she feels her priors affirmed, he makes her feel special because she has his special attention, and now they share a little hush-hush gossip. He’s a SCAMMER scammer!

I’m not sure what the relationship between Mr Collins and Lady C de B is just yet. I should go back and see why she’s his patroness. I must have missed something.

Okay so there’s gonna be a party at Netherfield, and Bingley’s invited everybody. Meanwhile, Elizabeth is struggling with Wickham’s account of Darcy because why would a hot person lie. I’ve never… related to somebody more and also resented it at the same time.

Now we’re at the party at Netherfield, and I gotta be honest, I kinda got whiplash thinking we’d get a party prep montage, but no. We’re like at least one dance deep, and those dances are a commitment.

Lmao not Mr Denny immediately being messy about Wickham’s conspicuous absence. He’s like, “Yeah, he’s a way on business *stage whispers* THE BUSINESS OF NOT HANGING OUT WITH DARCY lol.” Men are so messy.

“This part of his intelligence, though unheard by Lydia, was caught by Elizabeth—“ girl has her man-drama radar UP!

Lydia pay attention! There is messiness afoot! Come ON!

Elizabeth has decided that “patience with Darcy was injury to Wickham,” and is therefore resolved to be cold to Darcy. Who among us has not been kind of a bitch to an acquaintance because we were holding someone else’s grudge? Oh my god. This girl is all of us.

This is such a beautiful little nugget of humanity—we think holding a grudge on behalf of someone else exhibits something like loyalty, but we eventually figure out it’s actually just messy boundaries.

She has an unpleasant time dancing with Mr Collins, who spent a lot of time “apologizing instead of attending,” and if that isn’t the sharpest and basically perennial critique of human behavior ever, expressing a regret and never adjusting.

How is every single line a banger???

Oh my god, I Elizabeth Bennet-ed Pride and Prejudice—started off real wobbly, and now I would pledge my life and heart to its service. I did the thing the book was about to the book. I— Jane Austen, you saucy little so-and-so!!!

Darcy swooped in so satin-smooth for a dance with Elizabeth that she hardly noticed before they were on the dance floor together. For a taciturn tightwad, that’s incredible levels of charisma. He can apparently turn on the charm when he wants to. And. Apparently. He wants to.

Elizabeth: *polite mid-dance small talk* Darcy: … Elizabeth: Okay now it’s your turn to come up with a pleasantry. Darcy: Yes. Elizabeth: You could say any number of things—about the room, about the crowd… Darcy: I’ll say whatever you want. Elizabeth (and the reader): 😳😳😳

That was SO HOT. Darcy is hot?!

I’m so MAD. I have to collect myself!!! Out of nowhere, the cranky asshole does a drive-by pluck on my heart strings, and I just have to sit here with a melody in my heart??? Fuck you, Jane Austen, you talented demon.

Wait okay so Caroline Bingley comes up to Elizabeth and goes, “Your little sister is kind of obsessed with Wickham, so, uh, by the way, you gotta know you can’t believe Wickham,” and it’s delightful because we don’t want to believe her! She’s awful! But can’t awful people say true things?

Austen, you such-and-such, you’ve done it again, given me possibly good information from an unpleasant character (Caroline) when earlier we got the bad information from a very pleasant character (Wickham).