Adam is a Cat Father thrice by common law

It might be the first thing he filmed with his own smart phone.

The best part of being in food service work is being in constant agreement with each other about weed

Why is this place so weird about itself?

You ask of me to "gargle" your "balls", yet those balls are solids? Curious.

I wanna sing blues to a tin whistle for a living

How and when do we decide who the new Meat Loaf is?

I dont understand why you'd set yourself up like this. Can't you just be embarrassed to not know enough about Tool to ridicule them when they pop up on the mix the way your most unhappy friends do like the rest of us? You need the dipshit machine to tee you up for that? Lol please fail publically

Hello I would like to apply for whatever the opposite of a Job Referral would be. Additionally, I have several lists

Ah! It is the first day of fall, and I am reminded of all the online shops whose email newsletters I have forgotten to unsubscribe from.

I would like to trade (1) Hair Bucket for (1) Owning The Movie I Paid For On The Amazon Cloud Library

we are all macklemore* *kind of cringe, morally righteous

It might be hard to believe that macklemore was cool before you knew about it, but it's confounding that you'd think he wasn't already cooler than you. 'Can't believe Im with macklemore' skeets you sent sitting on the toilet at your bummer day job unironically please pop a tag and stahp dog

I want a lifestyle where I dont ever have to use venmo

Ring of Barrel Scraping Armor 0 Weight 0 Value $5.99 Desperate flailing does 69% more self harm. Cannot move.

Scrooge as anti-hero already exists: he goes by McDuck and he doesn't need your acceptance on account of being cash rich with gold coins.

What will we call the wiki leaks for all the flock and meta data? OnlyLeaks?

Playing Life the boardgame is a difficult experience to have and separate metaphor from

Eventually we should consider a new England.

Me and my homies would've broken it apart with hammers, I'll tell you that much

Are we at the point where people are calling all the grays 'millenial' yet?

I dont appreciate you lying to me on the internet again.

PRIEST - You get to naming that catholic church yet? JOBBER - Sure did, boss. A real pointed self-callout just like you asked. PRIEST - What?

I generally think these guys are buying booze at restaurants in ID states, but they are just so plastered all the time that it seems like they're being carded for the chick par. but no, its the highball they get every time they sit down near a bar.

i shoulda been born an employer

Im about 2 months sans caffeine and I understand now there is no replacement for the vigor of my youth

Playing Mario Party 7 with partner Me: Waluigi sure does a lot of air humping Partner: Upsetting Me: Well he's got the body shape for it Partner: I meant the game

Every time I get an an automated spam call that program should come to life and have to suffer mortality just like me.

As SpiderGoofy exists, consider there reasonably is a Sephiroth and Goofy combo and his name is obviously Sephirgawrsh.

Mozzarella cheese sticks double as both the right choice here and an obvious store quality test. It's not bold to have them on your menu, but you can't be trusted with nothing for fucking up a sure thing like that. But if you nail them then I'm calling out your taquerias name longingly as I die bro

Gasping dry air only to suffocate faster? Gill issue

Yes, cast it deep beneath the sands. I hope children for eons hence will frolick on the beach many meters above drinking Popsicles and listening to Walkmans again forever

Boston baked beans and Jordan almonds are definitive old people foods because of how you have to eat them. One more than one at a time is sludge, but patience rewards the enjoyer of candied nuts

Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…

Chiropractors hate this one trick

"Why don't Americans-" The ruling class of America has intentionally disempowered its citizens spread across 3,000+ miles of land and then funded the police force as an occupying army that happily murders anyone who opposes them and imprisons whoever is left as slave laborers. So phone calls it is

Amazes me how many people's main professions is the cognition of words and they wouldn't suffer themselves cogging a fuckin nit even if it was done half for them

You're laughing. The president's evil boils him away with decay from nape to toe and you're all laughing.

(Shouting like the guy in the MK Theme) MAS SIVE DUMB ASS